Intimate Covenant Podcast

Q&A - creating a community for porn recovery; unity despite differing passions; and more...[179]

• Intimate Covenant -- Matt & Jenn Schmidt • Episode 179

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Today we’re sharing some excerpts from our live Q&A session during a recent Marriage Day in Illinois. Listen to our responses to questions about:

  • How to find unity of spiritual purpose when we have different passions?
  • As a wife, how do I avoid nagging in my role to be a helpmeet?
  • How can we create a community for porn recovery and support for betrayed spouses?
  • Practically speaking, how do we pray together as a couple?
  • How do I deal with with sexual dysfunction?

Warning: This podcast covers necessary and important topics about the marriage relationship and sex. We use frank language without being crude or crass. Our approach is biblical and wholesome, but not intended for singles — especially not for children.


Bring Intimate Covenant to your community! Book a Marriage Day in 2026—email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com. 


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  Cherishing,
  Matt & Jenn

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SPEAKER_02:

Welcome, friend. This is the Intimate Covenant Podcast. Where we believe the Bible and Great Marriage Sect both along on your kitchen table. That's right, we're talking about godly marriage with hot sex and emotionally fulfilling oneness. That's what God has in mind for your marriage. That's what we want to encourage here in this format. And we would love for you to join us. If you're new to the podcast, you can find out more about Intimate Covenant at our website, intimateCovenant.com. Go there and you'll find not only more about us, you'll find our catalog of episodes. You'll also find some resources that you may find useful in building oneness in your marriage, and that's what we're all about. Certainly we would love to hear back from you, uh, whether you have feedback about this episode or anything else, suggestions, uh other feedback, uh, any any topics that you would love to hear about, uh, we would love to hear from you. Podcast at intimatecovenant.com is where you can email us. Or just go to our website, intimatecovenant.com slash podcast. Uh, there'll be a form there that you can submit that feedback anonymously uh or ask questions anonymously if that's your preference. Uh again, love to have your feedback. Thanks for joining us. Uh today on the uh podcast, we're sharing some excerpts from a recent marriage day in Illinois. Uh we had the privilege to travel to Central Illinois in October. And uh we're gonna we're gonna share some excerpts from the Q ⁇ A session that we did there, including uh just a quick preview, some discussions about how to find unity in your spiritual purpose as a couple, as a as a married couple, uh, some conversation about nagging. What does that mean and what does that look like and uh what does that also not mean and not look like? Uh we're gonna talk about creating a community for porn recovery. Uh so uh some discussion about creating a community uh of vulnerability in your church or uh with other uh members of your community, uh, about how to do that in a way that is um vulnerable and effective in uh helping men and women recover from porn, and also uh a little bit about how to address that uh with spouses who have been betrayed. We're gonna talk about uh answering a question about how to pray together as a couple, something that not everyone is uh familiar with or comfortable with. So a good discussion there. And uh then finally uh another question about how to deal with sexual dysfunction. Uh, when uh things don't physically work like we would like them to in our sexual uh relationship, uh, how to deal with that. So, some uh great questions uh and uh great uh uh feedback from the audience. Uh so we're very glad to be able to share that with you. Uh, it was really just a great day uh in Central Illinois with some new and old friends. We were very warmly welcomed by a very highly engaged and spiritually focused group, and we spent the day with these various topics. Uh, really, overall, our theme was just emphasizing the spiritual significance of marriage and sex. And um so the episode today consists of a few of our answers to some of the questions that were submitted during the live QA session that we had there. We we had so many questions and really so many great questions that were submitted to us uh on that day from this very thoughtful uh and engaged group. Uh, it was really difficult to even decide what topics to cover uh in that QA session, and even more difficult for me to choose which of those excerpts we were going to share with you. Uh, I probably could have posted the entire hour-long session and uh all of us would have been benefited from that. But uh, some of those questions we couldn't get on, uh, couldn't fit in the episode today. I can almost certainly assure you that you will see and hear, I should say, rather, those uh responses to those questions in the future, uh the ones that we don't get to today. But um, for now, you'll we'll uh we'll go with what we've got here. Uh before we get to those questions and responses, I did want to remind everyone there is still an opportunity for you to book a marriage day in 2026 for your community. Uh, we've received a lot of interest uh and uh some plans that are already in the works for some trips that uh we're gonna be taking in 2026 to some brand new locations for us. Uh probably gonna revisit some old locations or some previous locations, but uh we're looking forward to getting out into some new venues, new uh groups, new uh exposures. Um again, I'll reiterate for the next three groups that commit to a date in 2026, uh, as we announced last time on the podcast, we are going to waive our speaking fees. Uh Jenny and I are just adamant that we want 2026 to look differently in a number of ways for us personally and for Intimate Covenant. And so we want to reach out and um book some dates uh and get out and be with folks that we have either been with before or uh maybe even introduce ourselves to some new new groups. Uh very much looking forward to that. So uh reach out to us um via email if you are interested in bringing us to your community. Again, that's podcast at intimatecovenant.com. And uh we would love, love to um talk to you about bringing Intimate Covenant to your community in 2026. Also, uh, one other quick announcement it is the gift giving season, and so we want to remind everyone about some of our affiliate um businesses uh that we have worked with um in the past and uh some some businesses that have been uh great supporters of Intimate Covenant and our uh purpose. Um these are affiliate businesses who honor the sanctity of marriage, and so for that reason, we have partnered with them uh in sharing the news about the products that they have that they that they sell and offer uh that also help to promote the sanctity of marriage and specifically promoting um sexual intimacy in in your marriage. Uh those those companies include Married Dance. Um they've been supporters of Intimate Covenant uh honestly from the beginning and uh done so in in very generous ways. Uh we certainly can highly recommend them. Uh, we also want to shout out Coco New, uh, also Date Your Spouse, another group that's been with us uh essentially from the beginning, formerly known as Dating Divas, but uh Date Your Spouse has great resources for marriages. Uh and also um uh a Christian lingerie company called Honoring Intimates, um, a great uh partnership there, and also partnership with Ginger and Peach. I mentioned these companies because uh, again, they have been generous to us in the past, and they also generously offer exclusive discounts for our listeners. If you uh uh go to the show notes, um you'll get links and uh discount codes for these companies that will provide you with uh again exclusive discounts for our listeners if you use those codes when you uh check out or shop from the links that are provided there. Uh, we would certainly encourage you to do that. Um, great opportunity for some really high-quality, great gifts and resources for you and your spouse to enjoy this holiday season. So uh before we share these QA excerpts, I again want to invite your feedback. If you have a question that you would like for us to address on the podcast, you can submit that question to us by sending us an email or submitting uh anonymous feedback through our website. Again, intimatecovenant.com/slash podcast is where you can go to do that. So without further ado, although I don't think anybody knows what an ado is, uh without further ado, let's get to the questions.

SPEAKER_00:

How can a wife be a helpmate with a problem without coming off as nagging?

SPEAKER_02:

Hmm. I I think there's a lot of misunderstanding about what the word nagging means. Um nagging is not the same as reminding. Like, I'll just use this example. It's a simple, maybe bad example, but I hope it expresses what I'm trying to communicate. If my wife asked me to take out the trash and I didn't do it for whatever reason, and she reminds me of that, you know, an hour later, there's a lot of ways that she could go about reminding me about that. Right? She could say, Um, honey, I know you're busy, but I really need you to take the trash out. Or she could say, You are so dumb and so stupid you can't even remember to do one simple thing that I ask you to do.

SPEAKER_01:

Big difference.

SPEAKER_02:

Is that the same question? Is it the same request? Yes, but is one kind and empathetic, and is one nagging and contentious? Yeah, hope you can see the difference. Reminding is not the same as nagging. If she's just reminding, she's helping me. Admittedly, I am not great at multitasking, and I'm not great at doing one thing and remembering what the next step needs to be, or what are the other things that are on my list that need to happen.

SPEAKER_00:

But wise, you are generally, if we're being stereotypical, you are generally great at that because God has created your brain to be that nurturer, which means you have all those tabs open in your brain at a time. It is not nagging to say, oh, honey, don't forget this. That is being his sustainer beside. That's using your brain in the way that God intended it. So, husbands, she might need to remind you that's not nagging. As long as she has that that is coming from the baseline of respect, that's where it makes the difference. You know your heart, wives. And if your heart is one of respect for your husband and all of the things that are on his plate and all of the ways that he is serving your home, then when you come alongside him and you say, honey, this is a problem that needs dealing with, if that is from a place of respect, then you're acknowledging him and his role, and you're being the help meet God intended you to be. The biggest danger I see is when women choose. Oh, I'm not gonna nag, but I'm gonna sit here and judge. And I'm gonna have a heart of resentment, but I'm not nagging.

SPEAKER_02:

But just wait till he has a perspective.

SPEAKER_00:

But I'm gonna hold it against him. I'm gonna punish him. I'm gonna show him that I I knew what needed to get done, but you didn't do it, and I'll hold that against you. That's not respect.

SPEAKER_02:

And then when you miss the trash truck the next day, I'll definitely remind you then. Um that is that is not that is contentious. That is contentiousness. That is exactly what the proverbs warn against multiple times. It's not gently reminding. Now, those reminders can also be received in a couple of different ways as well, right? When your wife comes and says, hey honey, um, remember, I I definitely need you to take off the trash. Uh, you could say, Oh, you are so right. I'm sorry. Thank you for helping me remember. Thanks for keeping me on track. That's very generous of you to um be gracious to remind me, please forgive me for forgetting. Or you could say, you're not my mom. You can't tell me what to do. So it goes both ways, right? And uh, but I I I do think it boils down to, in a sense, of starting with defining what is acting, what is nagging, what is being contentious, and what is hopefully attempting to be helpful.

SPEAKER_00:

And remember who the true enemy is. It's not each other. You are allies in this battle. So treat each other as such. How does a wife support her husband and a husband lead his wife if they disagree on their specific passion or purpose?

SPEAKER_02:

You're looking at me like I'm supposed to know the answer to that. Um first of all, I I think if if we're talking about a specific um purpose.

SPEAKER_00:

Hey, honey, do you want to start a podcast? It's a good thing. Theoretically.

SPEAKER_02:

Someone might propose that at some point.

SPEAKER_00:

Someone might propose that. And some wife might be like, eh, not so sure about that.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, for for one, I would say, number one, you you have to be in alignment with your overall purpose. You have to be in alignment with your overall um goals. And I I hope that that is a given that both of you would be aligned in that your goal is to honor and glorify God. Everything else from that point is details. However, if we're talking about using Jen's example, if one of the ways that we want to do that is one of us wants to start a podcast, the other is vehemently opposed to that, there's no compromise to that, right? It's not like you're gonna compromise and say, well, I want to do a podcast, you don't, so we're gonna do a 10-minute podcast, and that would be a compromise. It is it is a a dilemma that does not have a place in the middle. I I I don't know that there is a significant answer to that other than you both have to approach it with grace, and both of you have to agree on the direction that you're going to go. And I would guess that in some cases, that is not a single conversation. You may not solve that today. You probably won't solve it next week. And somebody's mind isn't going to change about that with just a couple of conversations, perhaps.

SPEAKER_00:

But for us, our conversations often, when we're when we're trying to decide what does this look like in our marriage, the biggest conversation uh, I mean the biggest question to ask is why? Why would us doing this and us together, not just you or me, but why would us doing this promote connection in our marriage and be a place of working in God's kingdom? So you have to be willing to define that yourself. Will this bring connection in our marriage? And will this be a work in the kingdom? Now, as the one who's maybe resistant, well, if I can hear a why and hear the heart behind it, then I might be willing to come alongside. But also, when you define your why together, then it gives you a place to say, well, maybe not this, but this. Now, together we can say, how can we do something, a specific passion, when we know the why behind that, what is a way that we can tailor that to meet both of our needs and our desires?

SPEAKER_02:

So the it takes the conversation away from the what and moves it to what is what are we actually trying to accomplish that is bigger than just the what? So, if my motivation for wanting to start a podcast is, well, I think we could help some married couples and help them understand things, okay. Well, are there other ways that we can accomplish that goal that do not involve her uncomfortability? Maybe we start with, okay, well, let's start with a small Bible study, or let's start by inviting these couple over to our home and we can mentor them that way. Are we still accomplishing the same purpose in that case? Yes. Are we doing it the way that I want to do it? No. But I can certainly be satisfied with knowing, okay, well, it's not what I thought we would be doing, but I'm still getting to the same place. And so that's where the conversation needs to be less about the what and a whole lot more about the why. And both of you then can come up with solutions that still accomplish the why. Okay, there's a bunch of questions about how to set up a porn recovery group.

SPEAKER_00:

And how to set up a woman's support group. And I love that this is a group of people that are like, we've bought in, tell us how.

SPEAKER_02:

We need this.

SPEAKER_00:

Um we wish we could point you to the perfect way and the perfect answer. And as of now, we haven't found it.

SPEAKER_02:

We haven't seen it. We haven't done it perfectly either.

SPEAKER_00:

But here's what we have seen over and over and over. Because there's no perfect answer, it just doesn't happen. That's the worst thing that could happen. So can I tell you a hundred percent exactly if you follow this formula, it's gonna be amazing. It's gonna be exactly everyone's gonna let go of the bondage of porn. Every woman is going to forgive and walk with her husband in an understanding way. I wish I could tell you this is exactly how to do that, and I can't. It's going to look different in different congregations according to your needs and your specific um relationships that you have built.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I also can't point you to the perfect resource written by the right brother or sister and published by the right group of people to be approved by everybody and know that their theology lines up exactly with what we think about all the issues.

SPEAKER_00:

I If we let all of these we can't find the perfect stop us from even starting. So we're gonna be here to tell you start. It won't look perfect, it'll be messy, but start. This is the biggest problem facing your churches and your brothers and sisters and their marriages, and they're even especially singles. Start helping, start fighting this evil. We've heard of plenty of congregations that have a support group for women, a support group for men. What does that look like as far as making sure there's privacy and nobody saying what they shouldn't say to each other? I'm gonna first challenge the need for that. Now, I understand, I understand what we're worried about, but I think the bigger picture is often that we're worried about being vulnerable and real with one another. We're worried about other people knowing that we have sinned. The church is not meant to be a place where all the perfect people show up. The church is a group of sinners who have been broken and who are willing to look each other in the eye and say, I see your brokenness, and I am here to help because we know the answer. Start being that church. Stop being afraid. You know, we like Matt was saying, we we have met in the past especially with a lot of couples that brought a lot of brokenness to our catch. And we see their fear that we will never see them the same. And you know what I say to them? I love you more. And I hope you can embrace that when you look at your brother and sister and you see the sin that they're working through, that should make you love them more. So stop being afraid of being real with one another. Start being willing to hold each other accountable, to witness each other in sin, to hear confessions that are hard, and to love each other towards more. Be that church.

SPEAKER_02:

This is especially important for leaders. I mean, leaders, you set the tone for the depth of vulnerability that is possible in a group. You set that tone. And I know that's probably not what you signed up for, but you are setting that tone. The degree to which you are willing to be vulnerable and admit your sins and your mistakes and your weaknesses and your struggles is the same depth to which your members and your sheep are going to be willing to do the same. And so if your members think that you are perfect, they will have a hard time thinking that they should be anything or admit to anything less than that. Now, maybe you are perfect. Great, then your congregation's in a great spot. But I doubt that's the case. Even if it's something that you struggled with in the past, your vulnerability in admitting that and sharing your struggle and sharing your success over that is just as helpful. But I certainly know of situations where things like this are happening. We I should maybe I shouldn't tell the story. We've been to places, put on seminars like this, and known that the elders in some groups have told their preacher, don't go to that marriage day because people will think you have a problem in your marriage, and we can't let people know that. Or groups where men are struggling through their sexual bondage to their bondage to pornography. The elders have told preachers or even themselves, we can't go, because what if people think we have a problem with this? Well, what if they did? What if? So this starts with vulnerability at all levels. This starts with providing what they call in some circles psychological safety. People have to know that if they admit there are problems, that they're not going to be castigated, they're not going to be isolated, they're not going to be shunned, they're not going to be punished. And that starts with leadership. Now, how you set this up and how you do this, if people need to be able to do this anonymously to start with, then you can figure out the logistics of that.

SPEAKER_00:

In our congregation, the men started a purity group, and they made it very clear come if you have a problem, come if you've never had a problem, come if you have already fought this battle. Well, every man falls in all three of those categories, right? But so like it made it safe for the men to show up to do that. Phrase it that way. Same thing with the women.

SPEAKER_02:

And we made it clear in our group, what we talked about here is for us. If you need to share with your wife what's going on with you, feel free. But do not share with your wife what other men don't need to know. Or what your sorry, don't share about other men what your wife does not need to know.

SPEAKER_00:

And same thing with the women. Trust each other well enough to believe that you will hold each other accountable to that.

SPEAKER_02:

But if you can't trust your brothers and sisters with sensitive information, are you really a family? I mean, maybe not. And that's maybe that goes a little bit deeper. So do something. Whatever that looks like. If you want the name of the program we use, it's called Conquer Series. Like I said, it's cheesy and corny and not very well done from a biblical basis, but it started good conversations.

SPEAKER_00:

For women, there's the book. Um, it's not actually specifically about walking with corn recovery with your husband, but it's called Uninvited. That's a good one. But start something.

SPEAKER_02:

Start something. If you want more resources, send me an email. I'll send you a list of books and things that have been helpful in looking at some of this. What does it look like practically to pray together as a couple?

SPEAKER_00:

I like this question because it's like, okay, great, tell me how to do that.

SPEAKER_02:

Um raise your hand. How many of you women feel like you were ever trained how to pray out loud?

SPEAKER_00:

I know a lot of you don't feel like you were, because when we all get together as a woman, what's the question we don't want asked? Will you lead the prayer? Like most of us are like, oh, just don't call on me.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, a lot of it feel that way too, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, so it's an equal, equal problem. But women, I think there has been a disservice done to us in that we have we have misapplied to some level, hear me carefully, we have misapplied to some level what it looks like in our public worship service versus what it looks like in our homes. You are one. You're covenantly bound to one another. He is not your priest. You do not access God through him. You are one.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank God because I am not an adequate priest.

SPEAKER_00:

Now, God has a specific plan for our public assembly and our worship, and I embrace that fully and wholly, and we can get into a whole discussion as to the whys of that. But we maybe miss the opportunity to have the spiritual bond we are meant to have when we refuse to also vocalize a prayer in the presence of our husband. Now that made me really uncomfortable when I first thought of that, when I first started making myself contemplate why am I terrified to pray in front of my husband? But I will tell you, it was a powerful shift and change in my marriage, and I know a lot of other marriages, when I leaned into that and challenged my belief on that, my whys about that. So practically, what does it look like to break together? Well, in our marriage, I'm not going to tell you what you have to do with yours, but I will tell you in our marriage, practically, it looked like me being willing to vocalize. Because there is nothing more intimate and connecting and powerful than taking each other's name before the throne of God and hearing your beloveds, praying specifically with and for you.

SPEAKER_02:

We just simply have a conversation with each other and with God. What is on our hearts? What do we need? What do we want? What do we desire for each other? What do we desire for our marriage, for our kids? And again, there is no greater life-giving thing than having your spouse praying for you and going before the throne of God together and them offering their prayers on your behalf. Nothing more intimate.

SPEAKER_00:

I am called to be his help meet, his sustainer aside. Shouldn't I be taking that to the throne of God? Who is the ultimate sustainer aside? A very present help in time of trouble. I better be praying for him. And I will tell you that's deep connection when you will do that together.

SPEAKER_02:

What that also requires, though, is that I know what my spouse needs. And that is a conversation, right? How do I know what to pray for if I haven't had a conversation about it? How do I know what my spouse is struggling with? How does my spouse know what I need unless I have expressed that to them? How does she know what my weaknesses are? How does she know what I am facing, what I'm struggling with, what's keeping me awake at night? How does she know unless I reveal that? Now, yes, she can simply pray, please, God, help my spouse. Again, is that sufficient? Sure. But if our if our men got up on Sunday morning tomorrow and they say, God, you know what we need. Amen.

SPEAKER_00:

Reminds me of our son when he was really little. He would say, Dear God, please be with everybody you can be with. We just took care of everybody.

SPEAKER_02:

That's time efficient, I suppose. But but that doesn't feel very intimate. That doesn't feel very close or one. So again, I think it's perfectly reasonable and I think ideal for you both to go before the throne of God as equal heirs on behalf of one another, and especially, you know, pray for the sick, pray for the wounded, pray for the foreign missionary, whatever it is. And that's important, but come together and pray for each other and for your marriage. That's, you know, that's what that time is for.

SPEAKER_00:

And and don't save that for when everything is going well. How do we handle conflict in our marriage? Well, maybe first we involve God in it and we go before the throne of God together, admitting where we're failing our spouse and where we need help and we need to do better. Use prayer as a means to embrace the conflict in your marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

How does one deal with impotence after seeking medical help? Accept it and move on.

SPEAKER_00:

I wanted us to answer this question because I think it gets to the heart of what sex is. And we haven't as yet explained that. And I know you're all thinking, like, Jen, we know what sex is. Thank you very much. But I want to challenge us on what is sex? How would you define sex? Many of us define sex by certain body parts doing certain things, and that is sex. We put it into a box. But sex, I think, is broader than that. Sex is about sharing your sexual energies together and with one another. And when you broaden it out from that, then there's a lot of different ways that that can happen. Because again, overall, sex is a relationship, it's not one specific act. And that's powerful in your marriage because there's always going to be seasons within your life where bodies can or cannot do or be what we would like them to be. And if we have defined sex so narrowly that it takes certain body parts being able to do certain things, and that's all that sex is, then we're, I think, missing out on the fullness. Again, sex is meant to be spiritual. Do you think that God really made it to where that only when your certain body parts are working are you supposed to have this as part of your marriage?

SPEAKER_02:

And that also means that it's impossible then for folks with medical conditions to not be able to be one flesh, not be able to fulfill that aspect of the relationship. So if we limit our definition of sex to intercourse only, uh then we're missing out on the real point. Uh the the question is how does one deal with impotence after seeking medical help? And again, that can mean different things to different people, but just to be, I'm gonna interpret that as erectile dysfunction, right? You are not able to, this person maybe is not able to maintain an erection enough to engage in intercourse. Okay, and guess what, gentlemen, it's all coming for you. Okay, this is just a natural part of aging, and it affects some men worse than others. And sometimes it happens even at various times, and that's okay too. But here's the thing if I have learned and encouraged growth in my sexual relationship with my spouse to learn how to author my sexuality in ways that don't require a body part, a certain body part, if I can engage in sexual activity without having to use my penis, we'll just be blunt about it, then I have sex insurance. Because if my sex and if my penis isn't working, I have other ways to engage in sexual activity. I have other ways to find connection through sexual activity together.

SPEAKER_00:

Because again, your goal is not just release. Your goal is not just orgasm, pleasure for one or the other of you. Your goal is connection.

SPEAKER_02:

And so, oh sorry.

SPEAKER_00:

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_02:

And so, gentlemen, your penis is not the only conduit to connection. I know that's a revelation for some of us. There are lots of other ways to find sexual connection with each other, and it doesn't have to involve a single body part. So, how do I deal with it? Well, you can accept the fact that maybe your penis isn't working like it should, like you want it to, but that is not the end of your sexual relationship. It doesn't have to be the end of your sexual relationship. So, yeah, you should move on, but move on and find other ways to find sexual connection. For some of us, that requires a little bit of creativity. Some of us have no problem imagining other ways we can do that. But it will require sometimes a little bit of changing of the script. Right? We get into this routine. We have a script. We know, especially if you've been married for more than five days, you know, you learn a certain script that works pretty much most of the time. And we get into that rut in that routine, and we know it works, and so we go there every time, and we're unwilling or unable to think outside of that box, and so then we get trapped in that box. But imagine just simply sharing your sexual desire, your sexual fantasies, your sexual um dreams. Imagine sharing your sexual connections verbally and physically, and share that with one another.

SPEAKER_00:

All through the lens and the goal of connection.

SPEAKER_02:

All right, so yes, accept it and move on to something maybe even better. Thanks again so much for listening, and uh, as always, thank you for your support. We continue to just be so incredibly uplifted and encouraged by uh all the outpouring of emails, phone calls, and text messages uh supporting us through some uh challenges uh in the this past year. Um we love you all. We pray that your holiday season is full of peace and love and joy uh as it should be. And um in spite of all the busyness and the focus that comes uh in this time of year on family and friends and kids and everything else that goes into a busy holiday season, we just want to encourage you be sure to take some time to make some very special connections with your spouse. Don't waste the opportunities of this season to build connection in your marriage. Merry Christmas, everybody. Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.