![Your Questions, Our Answers (talking about sex, prioritizing beauty, sleeping naked, asking for touch) [170] Artwork](https://www.buzzsprout.com/rails/active_storage/representations/redirect/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsibWVzc2FnZSI6IkJBaHBCSE9YMWdJPSIsImV4cCI6bnVsbCwicHVyIjoiYmxvYl9pZCJ9fQ==--16a7a1aa52b68621d66462aebffd3502de544348/eyJfcmFpbHMiOnsibWVzc2FnZSI6IkJBaDdDVG9MWm05eWJXRjBPZ2hxY0djNkUzSmxjMmw2WlY5MGIxOW1hV3hzV3docEFsZ0NhUUpZQW5zR09nbGpjbTl3T2d0alpXNTBjbVU2Q25OaGRtVnlld1k2REhGMVlXeHBkSGxwUVRvUVkyOXNiM1Z5YzNCaFkyVkpJZ2x6Y21kaUJqb0dSVlE9IiwiZXhwIjpudWxsLCJwdXIiOiJ2YXJpYXRpb24ifX0=--1924d851274c06c8fa0acdfeffb43489fc4a7fcc/Podcast%20Cover%20Art%202022.jpg)
Intimate Covenant Podcast
Intimate Covenant Podcast
Your Questions, Our Answers (talking about sex, prioritizing beauty, sleeping naked, asking for touch) [170]
In this episode, Matt & Jenn answer the following listener questions:
- What advice do you have for couples that have great sex but struggle talking about sex? We’ve tried conversation starters but the answers are always brief.
- I’m ashamed how much value I place on my spouses physical appearance. Self-improvement is a good virtue, but how do I ensure my motives are not immoral or shallow
- I enjoy sleeping naked. My wife hates it. How can I encourage her to try & embrace it regularly. It's a great sensual way to enjoy each other without having sex.
- I crave physical touch (not just sexually), as a pursuer how do ask for this without coming across as needy? Rub my back, hold my hand, hug me. How do I ask?
Please support these companies that support Intimate Covenant:
- Married Dance — https://marrieddance.com/?aff=29
We’re a Christian-friendly, marriage-centered sex toy and marital aid store for couples that’s nudity-free.
Shop from this link for special savings and part of your purchase will support Intimate Covenant. - Coconu — http://www.coconu.com
Coconu is committed to helping people lead healthier, happier lives by offering 100% safe and organic personal care products.
Your purchase helps support Intimate Covenant AND you get 15% OFF. Coupon Code: intimateconvenant - Dating Divas — https://thedatingdivas.myshopify.com?sca_ref=6278443.H6eWDeXGfx
Strengthening marriages one date at a time.
Shop from this link and your part of your purchase will help support Intimate Covenant. Check out their Sexy Subscription Boxes! - Honoring Intimates — https://www.honoringintimates.com/?ref=INTIMATECOVENANT
Modest and classy premium lingerie, model-free.
Get 20% off and support Intimate Covenant with your purchase. - Ginger & Peach — https://www.gingerandpeachlingerie.com/
Ginger & Peach lingerie is a Christian husband and wife owned brand bringing classy, model-free lingerie to the market.
Get 10% off your order and support Intimate Covenant with code: “INTIMATECOVENANT"
To send your comments, questions and suggestions, go to our website: www.intimatecovenant.com/podcast and click on the button: “Contact the Podcast” for an ANONYMOUS submission form. Or, send an email: podcast@intimatecovenant.com
Thanks for sharing, rating, reviewing and subscribing!
Cherishing,
Matt & Jenn
PS — If you have been blessed by the message of this podcast, we would deeply appreciate your support by donating to our mission of spreading God’s plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality.
Hey, jen, I've got a question for you, Actually four questions.
Speaker 2:The first question is the answer is no, just no.
Speaker 1:Great. Today on the podcast, we're answering four listener questions, including how to talk about sex, the importance of physical attraction, sleeping naked and asking for more physical touch. Let's do it. Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2:Welcome.
Speaker 1:We're Matt and Jen, and this is the Intimate Covenant Podcast, where we believe the Bible and great married sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We are talking about godly marriage and hot sex and emotionally fulfilling oneness in that relationship. That's what we do every month here on the Intimate Covenant podcast and we are so grateful that you have joined us.
Speaker 2:We are thankful. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for being a part of our podcast. If you'd like to find out more about us, you can visit our website at intimatecovenantcom, and we always love hearing from you, so feel free to reach out to us with any of your thoughts, your questions. You can send that via email to podcast at IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1:Love it For our last two episodes. If you've been following along, we've shared some recordings, some snippets, if you will, some excerpts from our 2025 marriage retreat. That happened in September. We always have a Q&A session, a live Q&A session during that event and really every live event that we do and we received during the course of that weekend. We received way more questions than we had time to answer.
Speaker 2:We could have just done the entire retreat based off of Q&A.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no doubt. I mean I think, if I remember right, we had something like 40 questions, maybe something along those lines. It was pretty high. We got to a good number of those during that session, but we had probably four or five times as many questions as we could answer. So we felt like some of those questions definitely deserved answers.
Speaker 2:Well, probably all of them deserved answers, but some of them we're going to make for some great podcast episodes. So we were like, hey, thanks for writing our podcast episodes for us. So today we are pulling four of those questions from those submissions and we're going to answer those questions here for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're looking forward to that. Before we get to those questions and answers, we do want to remind you we are booking marriage weekends for 2025. Some of that is already in the works and we're very excited to hopefully be making some official announcements about some 2025 events coming soon, hopefully to an area near you. But if you want to assure that a marriage weekend happens in a location near you, invite us. We want to come. We would love to partner with you and maybe some of your friends and see if we can make something happen at a marriage weekend in your area. So give us a call, email, whatever, Find us smoke signals, pigeons, whatever it takes Reach out to us. We'll be happy to reply and respond and see if we can make something happen.
Speaker 2:That's right. So, like we said today, we're answering questions, specifically questions about how to talk about sex, especially if the topic is uncomfortable for one or both of you. Another question about how important is physical attraction and whether or not you should put a lot of value in that in regards to your spouse's appearance. Third question we're going to answer is about sleeping naked Maybe pros and cons of sleeping naked, pros and cons, and maybe how to introduce that into your marriage, if that's something that you might both be interested in.
Speaker 1:And the final question is how to ask for more physical touch without coming across as being needy. Yeah, that's a good question and certainly some principles that we can gain from that as well, so we're looking forward to answering those questions coming up Again. If you have questions, though, that you think would make for a good discussion on our podcast, we'd love to hear from you. You can email us podcast at intimatecovenantcom, or, if you would like to submit a question anonymously, you can feel free to do that on our website. If you go to our website, intimate covenantcom slash podcast, there will be a button there that says contact the podcast and, as you might imagine, that's how you contact.
Speaker 2:All right. So first question coming up, Matt what advice do you have for couples that have great sex but struggle talking about sex? We've tried conversation starters, but the answers are always brief.
Speaker 1:Interesting. Well, first, let me congratulate you on having great sex. Yeah, that's great, and we certainly encourage that. That's what we're here for. I would suggest to you, though and I certainly applaud the fact that you are trying to talk about sex.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:That is an excellent starting place, the fact that you are having conversations, that you are intentionally trying to have those conversations. Keep talking. I think if I could answer this question in two words, it would be to keep talking. Now, of course, I can't just answer a question in two words.
Speaker 2:Words than that, though, don't we Matt?
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, but I think number one. I would encourage you and admonish you that if you have great sex now, your sex will be better if you are talking about it, Right right, and that is just a requisite for having a good sex life. That's a requisite for growing your sex life, your sex life, and you will not be able to maintain an excellent sex life, particularly as you get older and experience more challenges to your sex life. You're going to have a harder time having a great sex life if you're not capable of talking about it and keeping that on the forefront. John Gottman did, of course. He is the guru of marriage relationships and a very widely respected scholar. He's done numbers of studies and one of the things that he found in his studies is that couples who don't talk about sex have less than a 1 in 10 chance of having an excellent sex life over the long run.
Speaker 2:That's pretty astounding. I mean, you might have great sex for a period, but what his study found is that, like you just said, over the long run, if you're not able to talk about sex, it will break down.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. I mean abundant hormones and young, physically capable bodies will get you only so far.
Speaker 2:Well, because they don't stay young great physical bodies.
Speaker 2:That's exactly right. So I think this first starts by understanding the benefits of talking about sex and kind of where you just started there. But I think it's also learning to not settle for I don't know. So sometimes, when we're trying to have conversations about sex, one or maybe even both partners can come up against a feeling of, well, I don't know, I don't know how I feel about that, I don't know what I like, because, in part because it's uncomfortable to talk about something you've never really put words to before. You, frankly, have maybe never even put words to it in your own mind.
Speaker 2:So it's that much harder to then share, even though you know we're one and I want to share my life with my beloved. It can be hard to find those words, and so it can be real easy to kind of throw out an I don't know and then just let that be. But our encouragement would be don't settle an I don't know and then just let that be. But our encouragement would be don't settle for I don't know yeah, I don't know is not a period.
Speaker 1:It's not the end of the conversation. In fact, I would suggest that, if you don't know, that that should be the beginning of the conversation. That that is an opportunity, then for growth for both of you, a place for exploration. And you know, admittedly, many of us grew up in homes where we didn't talk about sex. We're not used to talking about sex. We don't even have, in some cases, the vocabulary to talk about sex. So sometimes this conversation starts with making sure that you even have a vocabulary for body parts and for the things that you do, right, and then that can progress to conversations about things that we like or don't like, or make us feel uncomfortable, or things that we might want to explore. So these are conversations that must happen over your lifetime. These are conversations that must happen over your lifetime. Don't feel like you have to get all of this over in a weekend or even on a date night or in one conversation. You can't and won't and shouldn't get this conversation over in one sitting, so it is something that you will have to work on.
Speaker 2:Right and I would say, along with the you know that mindset, matt, of like, keep working on it. I think another important thing is, like, don't allow yourself to just have brief answers, right, like the questioner says, our answers are always brief. Well, okay, again, you're starting somewhere right, but don't settle for brief answers, and I think that involves being willing to dig deeper. And the best way to dig deeper is to ask ourselves and each other why. So when you get that brief answer, hooray, you're talking, you had an answer. But the next part is why? Why that answer? Why that preference? Why you know, what is it about? Whatever the subject is, dig a little bit deeper and that might give you five more words, but it's five more words. You know.
Speaker 2:This question kind of hits home for me, matt, because for us I know people do not believe this about me, but I used to hate talking about sex and at the beginning of our marriage, like, that was terrifying to me and it took a very long time for me to get comfortable with this conversation. You were gracious and being patient with okay, it's going to start with brief answers, but brief answers are at least answers. Then, from there I learned to grow into deeper answers, in part because I started asking my own self why I stopped settling for well, that's, I don't know. That's all I need to think about, that's all I need to say. So my encouragement, coming from experience, is be willing to talk about it, because just talking about it makes everything so much richer and deeper and healthier and more joyful. Like every great emotion you experience with sex becomes amplified when you're willing to put words to it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely with sex becomes amplified when you're willing to put words to it Absolutely and you know, I think part of this is digging into why do we feel uncomfortable about this or why are we willing to settle for brief answers? Some of that is likely because there are these barriers of shame that we just don't feel comfortable about it, or we don't feel comfortable digging deeper into it. And it's just this great paradox to me that we often feel much more comfortable bearing our souls to our bodies, to each other, than we do feel comfortable bearing our emotion and our souls to one another.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so for a lot of us it's digging into where is my shame coming from, right? Oftentimes that inability to talk about sex is coming from a place of shame, and that may be that, again, like you were saying at the beginning, that there's just been a lot of silence that has cloaked sex, and some of that silence is obviously healthy, right? I mean, you don't need single people talking about the benefits of certain sexual positions, right?
Speaker 1:Right that does no one any good.
Speaker 2:That does no one any good, but then that's a conversation to have within your marriage. So some of it is just learning to set aside the silence because now is the time for adding words. So some of us it's shame from silence. Some of us it's shames from misusing our sexuality, sure, and some of us it's shame because someone else has misused our sexuality.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about some ways to maybe break through some of those barriers or maybe open up some of those barriers in an easier way. I think one of the important things that at least helped in our relationship was to avoid trying to have these conversations around the times when you are having sex.
Speaker 2:Oh, this was a big one for us, because if we were going to have a conversation about sex and then I knew that immediately following that I was expected to do whatever it is we just talked about, I mean major, major pressure. So for us we learned to have these conversations completely separated. These were conversations we had when we had a long car drive, just obviously just the two of us, not with our kids in the backseat, but anytime that we could have a conversation separate from, okay and we immediately afterwards are going to have sex, or after, like, don't have this conversation immediately after sex or after like don't have this conversation immediately after sex.
Speaker 1:That can feel very critical or blaming or just uncomfortable because you're almost judging what just happened.
Speaker 2:It sure can feel like that, and I think that kind of goes to maybe the second point of how to have these conversations have them in a timeframe and in a way where you feel safe.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I mean, I think this is the biggest. This is the overall point is make sure that you are both feel secure and safe when you are attempting to have this conversation. That does mean certainly physically, and that gets back to the timing of all this. That also gets to making sure that no one can hear you having this conversation. No one else can have you hear you having this conversation. Make sure that, physically, you are relaxed and emotionally, that you are relaxed. This is not a great conversation to have. You know right when you walk in the door from work, or you know right when you walk in the door from work, or you know while you're trying to, you know get ready for the day or you're busy or you know.
Speaker 2:Or in the middle of, like, holiday chaos, when your in-laws are like sleeping in the bedroom next to you. You know any of those kinds of scenarios, right?
Speaker 1:Now, if the conversation happens to happen, then then by all means embrace it. But for the most part you want to try to have these conversations in a time and place when you are both quite comfortable and you feel safe.
Speaker 2:And I think really the other part of that safety, matt and this I was kind of alluding to, that you were so good at is just approaching this conversation from a standpoint of no judgment. Approaching this conversation from a standpoint of no judgment, only curiosity. In other words, like, especially for the one who's maybe a little bit more afraid of the conversation, it's important that the other spouse ask the questions but then don't judge the response.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Don't approach it with like a well, why would you feel that way? Or, oh, I don't feel that way, I feel this way and my way is better. I mean any sense of judgment like that can shut down someone who's uncomfortable with this.
Speaker 1:It's vitally important that when you ask a question, that your response to the answer is not judgmental at all. It just needs to be a neutral curiosity and that should be the motivation for asking the question is what is my spouse, who is my spouse, what can I learn about my spouse? Rather than how can I convince my spouse to change or do something different? So that's the. I think that's the main. That has to be the main. Motivation is curiosity rather than judgment or trying to force change on my spouse.
Speaker 2:Right, all right, I think that answers that question, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, that's all we're going to give it. The next question is I'm ashamed how much value I place on my spouse's physical appearance. Self-improvement is a good virtue, but how do I ensure my motives are not immoral or shallow?
Speaker 2:I like this question. It's a little bit of a hard question to read, right, but I appreciate this person asking this question.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they're being honest with themselves and I think that's. I mean, that's where this has to start, that's where everything has to start.
Speaker 2:I appreciate that it starts with I'm ashamed, and so, in other words, this is a person who's looking to redefine how they're viewing their spouse, their spouse's physical appearance and the importance that they're putting upon that. I do think it's important to say that physical attraction is important. That is a part of our marriage. We ought to be physically attracted to one another.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this isn't going to work if you're not physically attracted. But I think I know that it is possible to train your physical attraction. Yes, you can learn and you can modify what you are attracted to. This is what Paul means by renewing your minds when he talks about this in Romans, chapter 12 and other places where we become a new person in Christ. Well, to become a new person means that I must go from wanting and desiring things that I shouldn't want to wanting and desiring the things that I should want. So I know that it can be trained.
Speaker 1:The world would have us believe that, well, I'm just attracted to what I'm attracted to, or I just I am what I am and I want what I want, and I can't do anything about that. And that is not true. That is not how we are made, that's not what God expects of us. We can train what it is that we desire. Now, that's, of course, easier said than done, and that is the struggle between the spirit and the flesh, and that is the struggle that all spirit and the flesh, and that is the struggle that all of us must face in so many ways. But it certainly applies.
Speaker 1:This principle applies to how we view our spouse's physical beauty and our attraction to their physical appearance. You know, I think one thing this person says in this question is that self-improvement is a good, good virtue, and I guess I can probably agree with that on some level. I'm not sure exactly and I don't want to put words in the in this questioner's mouth, but if this person means that self-improvement in the sense of becoming more physically fit or having better cardiovascular health or being thinner and fitting into a certain pants size or dress size or whatever, whether you are a size you know, 15 or size 5, probably has very little to do with self-improvement in my mind.
Speaker 2:Right. If we're saying self-improvement is a good virtue, well, I would hope that we would all recognize that, growing in patience and love and joy and peace, those are self-improvements that ought to be receiving the majority of emphasis.
Speaker 1:The fruits of the Spirit are virtues where we ought to be placing our emphasis. I would think Well, I know, I know that that's what Scripture says. That is where the benefit comes. Now, is there value in making sure that your body is being well taken care of? I certainly won't deny that. I think that the Bible also teaches that to an extent. But even Paul himself says that physical fitness is of limited value. It's not no value, but it is certainly of limited value, particularly in comparison to the eternal characteristics. Right, because what my waist size is right now has almost nothing to do with what my spiritual body will look like in heaven. It just won't, right?
Speaker 2:So prioritize eternal virtues in our spouses and what you hope to improve and what you are. See the beauty of your spouse growing in their you know again their love, their joy, their peace. See the beauty of your spouse growing in that way, more than their physical appearance, and that way more than their physical appearance. Now, that said, you know, proverbs 5 says let your wife's breasts satisfy you. So yes, your wife's physical body is meant for your enjoyment. But he doesn't say when the breast is a certain shape or size, right, it's just the commandment is her breast should satisfy you. So I think that again goes back to physical attraction must and can be trained. I mean all of Proverbs 5 and 6, it's about drinking from your own cistern learning to see the beauty in what you have before you frankly, regardless of how perfect or imperfect that is Well, no, that's exactly right.
Speaker 1:I mean, if it's so important that your spouse look a certain way, I have bad news for you. They will not look the same way 10 years from now or 20 years, regardless of how hot or smoking hot they are now or not. They're going to look different in 10 years. That is just an inevitability.
Speaker 2:And if you've put a lot of emphasis in that, well you might be satisfied for the next six months. But guess what? Most women's bodies are different six months from now. I wish we would just all accept that a little bit more.
Speaker 1:Yeah right, exactly.
Speaker 2:Your bodies are meant to fluctuate and so stop honing in. This person asked how do I ensure my motives are not immoral or shallow? Well, your motives are likely immoral or shallow, if you believe their physical appearance is all that there is or is a reflection on you.
Speaker 2:So, a lot of people get their self-worth from what their bodies look like, but then that kind of bleeds over into what does my spouse's body look like. So if that's where you are, then, yeah, you ought to feel ashamed. Now, that shame should motivate you towards a change in behavior. And again, if that's where this questioner is, then I hope that they're coming from a place of willingness and a desire to change.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think a lot of this comes down to what standard am I using to judge whether my spouse is attractive or not? And if I'm using some standard that is not based on eternal priority, if I'm using a standard that's not based on something that is actually going to last, something that is actually meaningful, and if I'm not judging my spouse, my spouse's beauty, in the same way that God is judging their beauty, then I am being shallow and immoral. In fact, it is idolatry. If I am holding my spouse to some standard that is not godly or biblical or spiritual, then that is idolatry. That is absolutely. What idolatry means is to hold someone to a standard that is not godly, whether that's myself or someone else.
Speaker 1:So, rather than comparing your spouse to some external standard of beauty, I would encourage you to begin to focus on loving your spouse for who they are right. Think about the passages in 1 Timothy 3 or 1 Peter 3. Yeah, I know those passages are what we'd like to go to to talk about modest apparel, but read more closely and look at how God is encouraging women in those passages to demonstrate their beauty. He's saying their beauty is not about external appearances, it's not about what they wear. It's not how they look, it's who they are inside.
Speaker 2:It is the hidden person of the heart. And so start learning to identify that and then call out the beauty in your beloved when you're seeing true feminine beauty. I mean learn to be grateful for who appreciate who they are and what they do way more than what they look like. Now, I get it. That. You know, some of us usually men are more physically, you know, are more in tune with physical appearances than maybe women sometimes, and I get that. I'm not denying that, that's there. But again, you can train yourself to appreciate who your spouse is way more than what they look like. Appreciate who your spouse is way more than what they look like and see them as beautiful as what they look like, because you see them as the wholeness. It's not just denying like, well, she's not perfect physically, but I'm going to be thankful that she's a nice wife and mom. No, see the wholeness of who they are and therefore you will see them as physically beautiful.
Speaker 1:Well, right, when you learn to dwell on and, from a practical standpoint, the way that this begins to happen is when you actually start spending time meditating on who your spouse is and focusing in on being grateful for the kind of person they are.
Speaker 1:When you begin to see them and embrace them with that gratitude of what they are and what they are offering to you, then the package that they are in, that is, their body, is just the package, and you will learn to embrace and love the package that they are in, regardless of what it looks like at whatever time you know you, you lose the um, the obsession with their young, 20 year old body, because they don't have a young, 20 year old body when they're 40. Uh, and that's how you learn to um, place your spouse on this pedestal so that they become the standard of beauty, however it is they woke up. Looking this morning is exactly what I see as beautiful. That's how you learn to embrace that, which is by spending time focusing in gratitude and thanksgiving for who they are and what they are and what they are giving you.
Speaker 2:Very good, All right. Next question I enjoy sleeping naked. My wife hates it. How can I encourage her to try and embrace it regularly? It's a great sensual way to enjoy each other without having sex.
Speaker 1:So it's a great question and this is not an uncommon conflict. It's not an uncommon place where couples agree or disagree. Often one person of the couple enjoys sleeping without clothes. They enjoy the feeling of closeness that that affords, and the other spouse just absolutely hates it. Now, in some relationships the difference in affection for this kind of sleeping may not be this great, but it's not uncommon, and this again just demonstrates the common theme that often my desires don't always and often don't can't align with what my spouse also wants and likes.
Speaker 2:So then the question is what do we do with that? Well, and it's really. Does my spouse have to come in line with how I feel about this? That's really the heart of this question, right? I would say that to this questioner if you have pressured in any way, then you've built a barrier, right? If you think that your preference is the superior preference, frankly you're wrong, because a preference is a preference, it is not a. My way is greater than your way. Your preference does not have to be her preference.
Speaker 1:Well, and to his point I mean are there benefits of sleeping naked together? I mean, yes, there are. Skin-to-skin contact creates oxytocin. It helps to encourage the emotional and physical bond between two people.
Speaker 2:Right. This is why we put newborn babies straight up onto mama if at all possible. Skin to skin is great.
Speaker 1:It builds connection. There is benefit to skin to skin contact. That said, if you put together a spreadsheet and a PowerPoint presentation and try to argue your point with your spouse, you're not going to change their mind. If they have some other hang up to, it's not going to matter how well you argue the benefits of sleeping naked. If your spouse doesn't like it, they don't like it. I mean, you can tell me all day long that asparagus is good for me, but that doesn't mean that I'm ever going to love it.
Speaker 2:Right. So the question how can I encourage her to try it and embrace it regularly? Well, maybe it's the wrong question right, yes, there you go.
Speaker 2:Maybe you're kind of starting from a place that is at least appearing to have a lot of pressure in it. So I think the other part of this I mean he says it's a great sensual way to enjoy each other without having sex my question would be does she view that as such, or does she actually maybe feel pressured to have sex every time that she is naked? So if you have at all provided that place of pressure well to her, then her clothing might be a little bit of a barrier just to signal that not everything is on the table right now, right?
Speaker 1:Right If I've done a poor job of pursuing in the past and so my spouse never knows when I'm going to be trying to make a move, and they never know when they're safe to go to sleep versus when they're going to be pressured or guilted into trying to have sex. If they don't know where those lines are, then that could be part of this barrier. And, honestly, what I don't hear in this question is why does your wife hate sleeping naked? Which suggests to me, perhaps, that this side of the conversation has never been had. Now maybe your wife won't tell you why she doesn't want to sleep naked. Maybe she just stops the conversation altogether. That's certainly possible. But if I know why she doesn't like having sex, more importantly, if you know why she doesn't like sleeping naked, then you might be able to consider how to address that barrier. But again, is it because she feels pressured to have sex? Is it because she just feels more vulnerable when she's naked and sleeping?
Speaker 2:And I think that's a good point. I mean, a woman, by nature, is vulnerable and more sensitive, and so for a woman to be completely exposed some women love that, some women it's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I mean, frankly, women's breasts are more sensitive. I mean, we are designed in a different way, and so you might even consider the fact that it doesn't actually feel comfortable to her.
Speaker 1:There's more of her that needs to be protected, right? So again, she is by nature more vulnerable, more sensitive. What I would suggest to you, husband, is if you like sleeping naked, then sleep naked. Just because she's putting on pajamas doesn't mean that you have to, and you can continue to invite your spouse to join you, maybe from time to time, but you have to. If you're going to invite, you have to avoid language which shames her or pressures her for not also participating. You can't get in bed naked and say, oh, this feels so good. You really, you're really missing out. I mean, you're ruining any kind of invitation if you're trying to make her feel guilty by how you do it or what you say when you're doing it.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think also for someone who is clearly more reluctant to do this, then inviting at a time when she already feels safe and more free would be the better call. So this frankly you need to let go of the expectation that this is going to happen regularly, that she's going to embrace it regularly.
Speaker 1:Nobody goes from hating it to loving it overnight.
Speaker 2:No, and that's not how preferences work. So instead, invite her at a time when she already feels safe and a little bit more free, like maybe a getaway in a luxurious hotel room, is a better time to make that invitation versus her bedroom. That's down the hall from the kids who might need her in the middle of the night. Right, that's a whole nother thing. I mean, we don't know, does this couple have kids or not? But let me just tell you, most of the time the baby's waking up, whose side of the bed do they come to? And mamas don't want to be totally bare butt.
Speaker 1:Often yeah, exactly Often they come into the room before you have time to even get dressed.
Speaker 2:So make an invitation in a place where she feels a little bit more safe. But again, even in that place, that invitation should not come with pressure.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And so getting back to the why, if you can pursue the why why does my spouse hate this? Then I think you might be able to get some traction in being able to find ways to get the benefits of the skin-to-skin contact. Again, I won't deny there are definitely benefits to sleeping naked, but it's not just the sleeping naked that is the benefit. The benefit comes from the skin-to-skin contact and the feeling of closeness from there.
Speaker 1:So if your wife isn't interested in doing it that way, what are some other ways you can do that? So maybe, before you both get dressed for bed, you just get in bed naked and cuddle for five minutes naked and make sure sex is not on the table. I just want to be close to you. Make sure that the boundaries are well-defined. Your wife may then feel more secure in engaging in this. We know there's a time. Set a timer. Tell her I just want to do this for five minutes. I just want to hold you and feel you and be close to you. That might be something that you could both get on board with. Then she can put on however many layers of clothes that she needs to feel comfortable for the rest of the night and you both get the benefit of having that naked skin to skin contact.
Speaker 2:Or spend time embracing at a time when you're already naked, like after you've had sex. So you know, draw out that period of afterglow. Don't just rush off to clean up and get dressed, but instead maybe cuddle. Then have a little bit more of purposeful afterglow time together and extend that period of time after sex when you're already feeling that great oxytocin high, and just cuddle. Have all the supplies you need to contain the mess so that you can cuddle. I mean other times that you're already naked, right when you're showering and when you're bathing. So enjoy that together. Have that be a little bit more of a regular part of your time together and just embracing one another when you're dressing, during the day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, have a naked hug while you're getting dressed for the day.
Speaker 2:I mean so I think the point is that you can find places to get this skin-to-skin contact that you're loving and you're appreciating. You know he says it's a great sensual way to enjoy each other without having sex. That's true, that's great, but it doesn't have to be every single night in bed beside each other, naked right. So look for other ways to satisfy this.
Speaker 1:Absolutely All right. One more question. So look for other ways to satisfy this. Absolutely All right. One more question, and that is I crave physical touch, not just sexually, as a pursuer. How do I ask for this without coming across as needy, such as rub my back, hold my hand, hug me? How do I ask? So this is actually a little.
Speaker 1:The concepts here are very much in line with what we just talked about in terms of pursuing in a way that is not making, is not coming across as pressure. Whatever way, I'm using pressure as the way to try to change my spouse's mind versus a confident pursuit, and a pursuer who exudes security is just simply seeking connection rather than just the pure selfish motives. So, boiling all that down to something maybe more practical is can I turn this request into a win-win? Right? I want more physical touch. How can I invite my spouse in a way that makes this a win-win? So what that might look like. And specifically, the question is how do I ask? Well, maybe one way to ask and I don't know what this looks like in your relationship, but maybe one way to ask is hey, babe, take a walk with me while we hold hands and talk to each other.
Speaker 2:Right, because, likely, maybe she's looking for the connection through words, and so you're making an invitation that invites her to something she would appreciate in a way that also meets what it is that you're craving, that you're looking for, or something like I would love to tell you about my day. How about you rub my back while I do so? Right? So again, you're looking for ways that meet a need, a desire for both of you, and I don't I mean, we're just giving examples, we don't know what the spouse likes or doesn't like, but that's your job, right? So for this questioner, figure out what is it that she craves?
Speaker 1:Yep exactly.
Speaker 2:And can you find a place to have both cravings fulfilled?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think the other side of this is to use words and conversation to try to express to your spouse what it would mean to you.
Speaker 2:Yes, that is the truth. On any time you have a different preference than your spouse. The way to approach that is always expressing to one another what it means to you, Because when you put it into words now, your spouse has the opportunity to hear your heart.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so maybe that looks like telling your spouse you know what your hugs make me feel, so deeply connected to you. Can we hug more often, or can you just hold me for a moment so that I can reconnect to this feeling of oneness that I want to continue to feel with you? Because if your spouse feels like you are seeking them and not just their body or not just the physical act, then your requests for physical connection are then not going to be perceived as needy.
Speaker 2:They're going to be perceived as trying to build oneness and build connection and build relationship Well, and if your spouse knows that you're seeking to take care of their needs as well, then they're going to be more likely to see that your needs are being met too.
Speaker 1:Yeah precisely so. Four questions, four long answers.
Speaker 2:Let us know how did we get it right or how did we get it wrong. What did we miss?
Speaker 1:Absolutely. We'd love to hear your feedback. Contact us, as always, by emailing us at podcast at intimatecovenantcom, or again to submit an anonymous feedback or questions, you can go to our website intimatecovenantcom. Slash podcast.
Speaker 2:Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and your support, and thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. If Intimate Covenant has blessed your marriage, we'd love to have you join us too. Subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1:And be sure to check out the show notes, where you'll find links to our affiliates. Support the companies that help to support Intimate Covenant. You will get amazing discounts and you'll find incredible companies who are also devoted to supporting marriages and holy sexuality. So again, check out the show notes and you'll find some great deals there. Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.