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Intimate Covenant Podcast
Intimate Covenant Podcast
Questions About Female Orgasm [150]
In this episode, Matt & Jenn are pulling from submitted questions regarding the theme of female orgasms. Specifically, how can a husband help his wife orgasm? How can a wife learn to orgasm in different ways? And how important is a wife’s orgasm, anyway?
Take-Aways:
- Husbands often place far too much emphasis on their wives orgasm and miss the far more important goal of seeking connection during sex.
- If a wife seeks to improve her ability to orgasm, a better understanding of her barriers is required. Seek to understand any possible places of sexual shame. Lean into the journey to explore your own body and sexuality.
Link to The Orgasm Course by Sheila Gregoire
(https://sheilawraygregoire.com/product/orgasm-course-bundle)
This episode is sponsored by:
Open Door Financial Advisors
www.opendoorfa.com
Where finances meet faith and family.
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Cherishing, Matt & Jenn
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www.intimatecovenant.comIntimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt
Hey, jen wanna answer some questions about orgasm. Um, who's asking Great? Today we're gonna answer some questions from our inbox about the topic of orgasm. Let's do it. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant-bound intimate relationships with hot sex.
Speaker 2:We're Madden Jen, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, IntimateCovenantcom.
Speaker 1:Welcome, friends.
Speaker 2:Welcome and Happy Halloween.
Speaker 1:Yeah, happy Halloween.
Speaker 2:This episode is, of course, scheduled to drop the day before Halloween, that's right the day that a cool front is coming through for, like most of the nation, right, we are all gonna be enjoying a cold Halloween A chilly Halloween Well everybody but Florida and they never get the cool front. We live there, we know.
Speaker 1:It will be a little chilly, so we're welcoming the fall weather we're looking forward to that, looking forward to that, looking forward to the Halloween fun. It's a lot more fun when your kids are really small with Halloween. We kind of miss those days a little bit, but we do have some fun plans to get together with a lot of friends a church family.
Speaker 2:We do a little trunk retreat, get together with all of our friends from church and we always try to come up with like a creative couples costume, because you know us, we gotta do it together.
Speaker 1:So, jen, what are you dressing up for Halloween?
Speaker 2:I am dressing up this year as your queen bee.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I will be going as a beekeeper.
Speaker 2:And why is that appropriate this year?
Speaker 1:Well, this year I have developed a slight obsession with A slight is not the correct adjective A slight obsession with beekeeping we did obtain.
Speaker 2:It's a long story, but oh, it's a funny story, but it is a long story.
Speaker 1:Yes, involving schizophrenia and the police in a ladder, but we did obtain a and a beehive. We did obtain a beehive this year and have been diligently tending to my bees, yeah, and you have. So it was appropriate this year to do the costume of a beekeeper and queen bee.
Speaker 2:We're gonna enjoy our time and enjoy our costumes.
Speaker 1:For sure and hope everyone else has some fun Halloween plans as well, yeah.
Speaker 2:So we tried to come up with like a spooky topic for today's show, but we're not really that creative. No, although, depending on what side of the microphone you're on, answering questions about sex might be considered spooky.
Speaker 1:That's true, at the very least, terrifying.
Speaker 2:So some of us, are not necessarily looking for this as a full time job, so it does fit.
Speaker 1:Maybe next year we'll do something on costume play or something, but oh yeah, that was not in the cards this year.
Speaker 2:We'll put that one in the possibility list.
Speaker 1:Nevertheless, we would love to hear from you what are your costume plans for this year. Anybody, do anything cute.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we like the couple costumes. Yes, so give us some ideas.
Speaker 1:We'd love to see, hear your ideas, see some pictures. Send that to us. Podcast at intimatecovenantcom. We'd love to see that.
Speaker 2:Speaking of sending us emails. Today was a day full of productivity.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because we cleaned out our email inbox.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness, that was a bigger job than cleaning out the garage.
Speaker 2:Yes, it was. It was a very full inbox. We are very thankful to all of you who have had some patience with us and our delayed replies. I'm sure you sometimes have felt like you have sent an email out into the abyss, never to hear from Matt and Jen.
Speaker 1:We get your emails. We read them as soon as they come in. We just can't always reply immediately and certainly we can't always create a podcast. At the drop of the hat, an episode of the drop of the cat.
Speaker 2:But today and throughout actually the rest of 2023, we kind of planned out some of the remaining episodes for 2023. We're going to try to tackle a lot of those questions.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because a lot of times we get questions that are not necessarily a full episode per se. True, we do kind of group them together with some others or just use them as little partial parts of an episode. It works well. Yes, and so we have a whole bunch of those kind of questions that come from emails, actually also come from the numerous events that we went to this year.
Speaker 1:Yes, and so Loads of questions that we got from the live Q&A sessions, yes, and we just couldn't cover in the time that we had there at the event.
Speaker 2:Right. So if you have sent us an email question or you ask a question at a live event, stay tuned.
Speaker 1:Yes, hopefully.
Speaker 2:I think we're getting to a large number of them.
Speaker 1:Right, we may not cover them all. That probably is never going to happen, but we do intend to cover a significant portion of those and I guess that also it goes without saying. But we'll say it anyway that if you have more questions, please keep sending them. Yes, we will get to them, and we certainly do prioritize questions that come in from email. We prioritize those to go into a podcast episode. So we would love to hear from you.
Speaker 2:That's right, and if we get to the end of 2023 and we didn't answer your question, send it again.
Speaker 1:That's right. If you remember there you go, that's right Send it again.
Speaker 2:Send it again. Okay, so today we're pulling from some questions that we've received regarding the theme of female orgasm.
Speaker 1:Yes, and specifically how can a husband help his wife orgasm, how can a wife learn to orgasm in different ways, and how important is a wife's orgasm anyway?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there's some good questions that we're going to group together into an episode today, and so we're going to try to answer those. But before we get there, matt, you know who else is happy to answer your questions and definitely answers questions in a much more quick and timely manner than we do.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're talking about financial questions, then yes, I do Be careful where you send your sex questions and your financial questions.
Speaker 1:But Derek Finley over at Open Door Financial Advisers is more than happy and more than capable and more than willing to answer your questions about your financial concerns. Derek is anxious and eager and helpful in answering questions about cash flow management, paying off debt, figuring out how to save, where to save, how to invest. Anything else that revolves around money in your life. Derek is an expert and very eager and able to answer those questions for you.
Speaker 2:Right and very personable.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Like that's been one of my favorite things about working with Derek. We often begin our calls with just a good hey, how you doing Kind of, and he's, you know he's interested in our life, yes, and we're like we're doing our money.
Speaker 1:Yes, Well, and that's why he does a good job of giving us advice about our life is because he knows who we are and understands what we're trying to accomplish, not just financially, but even spiritually, and so Derek would love to help you out. You can reach Derek. Find Derek at OpenDoorFAcom Open Door Financial Advisers. Where finances meet faith and family.
Speaker 2:All right, so, getting into today's episode, like we said, we're going to kind of be tackling multiple questions, and so throughout the episode today you'll hear several different questions, but we're going to start with these two. They are both from the standpoint of a husband. So, matt, why don't you do the honors?
Speaker 1:of reading them Sure. So the question is I've never been able to make my wife climax. She said she's been close. How can I fix this? The other question is how do I help my wife focus during sex? She gets easily distracted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, both good questions and you know I can really appreciate that these questions ask from the standpoint of a husband. They show the desire that they both have to really help their wives. You know, it seems like they see the benefit of an intimate and fulfilling sexual relationship and they want what's best for their wives yeah, absolutely, and they want to be involved in that process.
Speaker 1:They want to, you know, willingly, and it seems like it's sacrificially eager to try to help get things moving in that direction.
Speaker 2:And they want their wives to be involved.
Speaker 1:They want their wives to experience the pleasure that is orgasm. All of those, I think, are well-meaning motivations, and I certainly would not assume anything less than that these husbands want what is best for their wives. But I think it's important to recognize and understand that achieving sexual pleasure and staying focused during a sexual encounter first of all is her job, it is her responsibility no-transcript, it's not the husband's responsibility to make that happen. Right, as a husband, you can be a support in that endeavor, you should be a support in that endeavor. But you as a husband will never be able to figure out the secrets to her mind and her body unless she is a willing and active participant in that process.
Speaker 2:Right, and within these questions we see phrases like make my wife orgasm or how do I get my wife to, and so I would challenge right off the bat that that's maybe the wrong mindset, or at least we'd encourage you to kind of alter your way of thinking about this. Again, you can be a participant.
Speaker 1:You must be, you should be, absolutely.
Speaker 2:But your wife has the brakes. Yeah, she's the one right now struggling with orgasm or being distracted during sex.
Speaker 1:Frankly, she may not be struggling because. Does she even want to orgasm? Does she care? Is this even important to her? Right? So, you know, the conversation may, in some cases, have to start way further back in this process than tips and techniques, right that there may need to start with a conversation about what is her. Does she have an aversion to sex, or does she have an aversion to sex with you? Is there a problem in the relationship that is causing this to be a challenge? Is there, you know, sexual shame or some other physical or emotional or spiritual or mental blocks that are occurring, and is this even somewhere that she wants to go? And if so, if not, why not? That may be where the conversation needs to start.
Speaker 2:And that can be a frustrating place, right when you identify my spouse needs maybe to do some work, but I can't be the one to make them do the work.
Speaker 1:And my spouse may be unwilling to do the work. That's certainly is a frustrating place to go. That said, for the purposes of answering this question more fully, I don't want to stop there. That would be a bummer. Because, if so, if the wife wants to orgasm, if they do want to pursue this journey towards greater sexual fulfillment, then there are some things to consider and there are some things that a loving husband can do to be a participant, to be a support and an encouragement along that journey. And just a word of warning these are probably things that are different than what you, as the questioner, are thinking.
Speaker 2:Yeah, true, true. And so I think you know what can a loving husband do? I would say, start with asking her to get involved.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Ask if this is something that she wants your help with. I mean again, you know these questions are both coming from an assumption that my wife wants to orgasm. My wife wants to be less distracted during sex. But you need to make sure that you have asked does she feel like this is a problem?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, and to you know, to be fair, any husband who understands and knows the pleasure of orgasm from sex will have an impossible time understanding why someone would not want to pursue that. That said again, there's, there's. There may be a lot of other factors involved here, but Right.
Speaker 2:So it has to start with a conversation with her.
Speaker 1:Yes, the other side of this is, if we're asking her if she wants to get involved, then in some of the conversation may need to be about asking her to help show you what is necessary. There's, there is a resistance among some men, maybe because of pride, maybe because of ignorance, who are resistant to receiving instruction about how their wife wants pleasure to occur. Many husbands believe well, I am, I am supposed. There's this expectation in society that men are supposed to be the experts on sex Right right.
Speaker 1:And so I'm supposed to already have this knowledge, so I don't really need my wife's input. I'm, I am the expert, I'm. I'm a man, I have the higher sex drive, so I should know what to do here.
Speaker 2:And that it is your job to bring her to orgasm.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's the other misnomer here. Don't be too proud to let her show you, and sometimes that's as simple as just mutual masturbation.
Speaker 2:Right Lying beside one another. Sharing the exploration of our bodies can be a beautiful way to learn better of each other's bodies.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Or even guided masturbation. Yes, you know helping one another touch each other?
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely, and I think touch each other is a good point, because this maybe goes both ways. There are things that she can learn from you and that you can learn from her in this process, either doing it together or or taking turns, or whatever it might be. Don't be too proud to let her show you and pay attention to how that is working and what's happening.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Invite her hands to, maybe even during intercourse. Invite her hands to stimulate herself during intercourse. That will profoundly improve the odds of her having orgasm during your sexual encounters together.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think encouraging her in exploration of her own body and even mind is such a vital role that a husband can play. I mean, clearly, that the two women in that are the wives behind these emails and these questions. They have some work to do, but these husbands can play a part through speaking encouraging words, pointing them towards that goal of an intimate and fulfilling sexual relationship for the both of you. So you can offer encouragement. It's not that you just sit back and say, well, she has work to do and I'm just going to quietly watch and not be a participant in that. No, you can offer words of encouragement, but you have to recognize what that looks like. She needs to be actively involved in her own pursuit of pleasure and possible orgasm by using her own words and her own hands, and so she has to be a part of this.
Speaker 1:I think that's what you're saying that's exactly right.
Speaker 2:And so that means you play a role in encouraging her in this. One vital place to play a role in this is just encouraging her to find a vocabulary to better tell you what feels good. Oftentimes we fall into the trap of not using words to tell one another what it is our bodies are experiencing.
Speaker 1:We're deeply craving to communicate, but we are afraid to use actual words to let them know.
Speaker 2:Whether that's in the moment or at another point. But learn to use words.
Speaker 1:This is what feels good, this is what doesn't feel good, and when your wife uses those words, even if it's like half words, like a tiny amount of words listen, you have to listen, and that's an important point, jen, because husbands, especially sexual pursuers, are not very good listeners, because we think we already know what our spouses want and we do a very bad job of actually listening to what they are telling us. And sometimes that's on the responder, because our responders and especially female responders from a sexual standpoint don't always give us a lot of information, but when they do, we don't always listen, and so I think that's an important point Sometimes they're giving information.
Speaker 1:You're just not recognizing that's what they're doing, because that's going to come in the form of words, but also body language and a movement here or there, or sometimes just a sound or something like that. We're not always listening very well for those things.
Speaker 2:Right. So support and encouraging her and finding her words, and then also in touching her own body during your sexual time together. That is a really important thing that you can do. It's just opening up that understanding that we're in this together. Like you were saying earlier, that's not the man's job to figure it all out, but be careful, because there's a difference between support and pressure, true, true.
Speaker 1:And one of the biggest ways you can support is just simply offering praise, even if it's not encouragement, if you're not proposing something new, but you are finding every opportunity to praise movement in the direction of communicating. I think that's a really important point and that maybe goes on to this next idea, which is to just be a safe place for her. You've got to let her know that you want what is best for her. You've got to let her know that you are willing and that you're eager to do whatever it is that would help her enjoy sex, both physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever it is. Be that safe place for her so that she feels comfortable in that uncomfortable place of exploration.
Speaker 2:Well, right. And if this is a wife who is legitimately trying to figure out her orgasms, if this is a wife who's legitimately trying to figure out how do I stay present in sex, you have got to create a place of safety, you've got to help her in this and going to staying present, I mean, it is so easy for a woman to get distracted. Have you seen that little meme where it's like 100 tabs open on a computer screen? That's a woman's brain and the husband's is like one? If that, a woman can easily get distracted. So you as a husband can help address these distractions by first asking her what, just ask her. What gets in the way of you being able to fully relax with me? And more specifically, not just what gets in the way, but how can I better serve you?
Speaker 1:Well, I think that's a good point, because husbands sexual pursuers often think about this particular problem as what are the tips and techniques that I need to do in bed to make this happen? But in truth, for a lot of wives, the problem is much bigger. It's a much more holistic, requires a much more holistic approach, Looking at all of the things the environment, the bed, the kids, the jobs, the other stressors all of those things need to be dealt with in order to create a place where a wife actually has the opportunity to engage this.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I mean, perhaps she needs more help getting the kids in bed or getting the nightly chores accomplished. Perhaps she needs some assistance in creating a bedroom that's free of all those distractions Like can you help conquer the mountain of unfolded clothes?
Speaker 1:the laundry.
Speaker 2:It tangles my tongue it causes me so much anxiety.
Speaker 1:But for most husbands laundry has nothing to do with whether my wife has an orgasm.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Or the desk, you know the office that has been set up in your room because there's nowhere else in your house that you think it should go. Or the workout equipment. All these things signal to your wife that's a to-do list item. Or I should be on the treadmill because I don't think I'm this or that. These are places of distraction.
Speaker 2:So, help her with the timing of the evening, help her with the bedroom itself, recognize that you can play a big role in that, and I think that even leads into you know again, mad, this isn't just about what you are aren't doing in the bed right. That leads into this idea that it's about the power of an emotional connection with you.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You know she may not be able to stay focused on the moment because she doesn't really feel like you are focused on her.
Speaker 2:Oh right, we'll step on some husband toes here a little bit. You want her focused in the moment in the bed with you. But how do you respond when she's talking to you, when she's telling you that story that just feels like it's endless, or when she's sharing like this huge boatload of emotions and frustrations about her day? Where are you in that moment? How engaged are you in that moment? How distracted are you by your phone, by the TV, by the sports game, by the video game Right.
Speaker 2:Right. Just like she has work to do to bring her whole self to the marriage bed and be fully present, perhaps you actually have work to do too. So we're going to encourage you husbands to find ways to consistently engage with your wife emotionally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. I don't think it's not. Shouldn't be hard for a husband to understand although we don't always make the connection here but it shouldn't be hard for us to understand. If she comes to the bedroom at a higher level of emotional arousal and connection, then it will not be as difficult to get her further down the road of sexual arousal. If you're starting from a place of connection and sexual arousal.
Speaker 2:I feel like saying say it louder for the people in the back.
Speaker 1:Well, the bottom line is you're going to have to be vulnerable with her. You're going to have to pursue her voice, not just her body. You're going to have to try, work hard to stay in the moment of listening to her, because your emotional vulnerability is going to encourage her sexual vulnerability Absolutely, and that is what creates this safe mental space for her to better overcome her barriers to orgasm.
Speaker 2:And that's what creates the beautiful cycle that our marriages are meant to be where we're both pursuing and seeking and responding to one another.
Speaker 1:Precisely so, Jen. If you're a wife out there and you're thinking, did my husband submit these questions?
Speaker 2:When we're at live events, you can you know if we get a question from a husband. You can tell every wife's face is like is that from my husband?
Speaker 1:Or vice versa, sometime Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Exactly, so yes, if you are the wife thinking oh, was that about me? We hope you're paying attention and we hope that maybe this would spur you to a place of saying, well, okay, I do have some work to do. I have some further exploring to do. If that's the case, I would really encourage number one. If you've not already done so, listen to some past episodes 87, 88 and 89. We've got a little rhythm there, a little series, all about orgasms and also about fantasies. So both, all three of those episodes are about learning ways to better engage your mind and your body, both before and during sex.
Speaker 2:So, listen up and see if you can learn something from them. But another resource that we'd highly recommend and I don't think as of yet, matt, we've recommended this- on the podcast.
Speaker 1:We may not have mentioned this on the podcast at least.
Speaker 2:And that is a course by Sheila Gregoire which is called the Orgasm Course. Now, we don't get any kickbacks from this recommendation.
Speaker 1:We don't know.
Speaker 2:Sheila never met, her, never spoke to her, never met her Wouldn't necessarily recommend every single thing that's out there from Sheila, but this we can assure you, we have bought it ourselves. We think it's a phenomenal, phenomenal resource for women to use to better understand themselves. But I love so much about this resource Is okay, something called Orgasm Course. Where does your mind go, matt, as far as what you think is going to be in this course?
Speaker 1:Well, I think everybody, just even from the title of this episode. Everybody wants to know what are all the tips and techniques to do in bed.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and she covers that. But she doesn't start there. She starts with where are you mentally? How do you engage your mind?
Speaker 1:And spiritually.
Speaker 2:In order to engage your body. Yes, sheila writes from a spiritual mindset. This is intended to be read and used within the covenant of marriage, and we actually would particularly recommend you can get just the Orgasm Course for intended obviously for wives, but there is a course for a little bit more called the Wives and Husbands Bundle, which then has additional material that's meant to help a husband better understand and help their wives. So there's our recommendation again. We're getting nothing out of this, but we really think it's a phenomenal resource for you all If you are in the position of better trying to figure out how to help one another, how to help the wife achieve Orgasm, and we'll put a link in the show notes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we'll put a link in the show notes. So, jen, I think that kind of segues maybe into our next question that I wanted to kind of cover with this episode. And it's written from the perspective of a wife, so what does she ask?
Speaker 2:It's my turn to read. It says it feels like my husband only feels satisfied with our sex if I orgasm. But sometimes I don't feel like orgasming but I still want to please him. Thoughts. I appreciate this question because I think this is a place that maybe most men don't quite get.
Speaker 1:Well, you're right, and that's true even from the just looking at the questions that we just talked about, but also the questions and the perspectives that we hear from husbands all the time. Most men, I think, under appreciate the benefits of sex outside of the benefit of orgasm and release.
Speaker 2:I mean understandable, because since orgasm for a man is so directly tied to a physical and a physiological release of tension, it goes together for them.
Speaker 1:For a man in general, the pleasure of sex is really almost exclusively tied to the pleasure of orgasm and ejaculation in particular.
Speaker 2:Right, Right. So the benefit of sex is much broader and much more nuanced than ejaculation. Sorry guys, but we're more complex than you when it comes to this.
Speaker 1:That's just true period. But especially when it comes to sex and the benefit of sex and here's kind of where I would maybe go with this question. If someone's asking me is ultimately for the both of you, husband and wife answering this question needs to start with understanding that the goal of your sex should be about connection rather than just orgasm, Right, and so if you're both seeking connection, then it will always be satisfying and successful because you're not requiring participation of your genitals to achieve connection with a sexual encounter.
Speaker 2:Right Connection is so much deeper than did my genital respond. Did I have the physiological response that I was hoping my body would have. Connection is it's about our hearts, our souls, it's about spiritual, it's about emotional and physical.
Speaker 1:So whether my wife orgasms or not is independent of the quote success of our sexual encounter Right Now. It's not to say that orgasms not important and that it shouldn't necessarily be a secondary goal, as it were, but it's not the most important aspect of our sexual encounter, not even by a long shot.
Speaker 2:Right, and you know, the person who asked this question ends her question with just thoughts yeah, I don't know. That Help. So I would say to this wife, if we were sitting down and having coffee together, that the place to start with this is that you've really got to express your needs and your desires to your husband. I mean, you've got to put some words to what sex means to you. It may be that he the only marker he has of oh, she's into this, oh, she liked this, is your orgasm. If you've not expressed yourself in words, then maybe he doesn't have any other way to judge this, and so you need to be explaining to him how, what it is you think about sex.
Speaker 2:What are your sexual goals? What are your sexual desire? Yes, you should have your own sexual goals. You should have your own sexual desires and so being able to say to him pursue her husband, I love you. My goal within sex is deep connection with you, and it's that place of deep connection with you that brings me great pleasure. Sometimes my body is going to respond to that, sometimes it's not, but I'm here and I'm into this. That's a great conversation, absolutely. There's very few husbands that are going to be like yeah, but right, Right.
Speaker 1:And I would say I would maybe turn this a little bit and ask the question why doesn't he believe that you are satisfied with your sexual relationship?
Speaker 2:Right Again. Maybe it's because you haven't done the job of expressing to him.
Speaker 1:Sure, I mean, maybe he just maybe he needs to change his expectations, certainly, yeah, but he may not believe you because you may not be expressing to him that you are satisfied. Yeah, if after, immediately after sex, you're quick to rush off and disconnect from him emotionally, then why would he? What other proof does he have that you enjoyed the experience?
Speaker 2:He may feel like the only time that you actually enjoy the experience is when you have an orgasm, and every other time he's just an item on your to-do list.
Speaker 1:Yes, if you're not approaching right, if you're not expressive in the act of sex, then he has no other parameters to judge.
Speaker 2:And so it may first start with you saying do I approach sex Right? That's a hard question. Do I treat sex as a to-do list item? And yeah, every once in a while my body responds and oh hey, isn't that fun. But other than that, it's just something that I need to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the more you tell him the more. You tell him that you enjoy your sex before, during and after those encounters, whether you have orgasm or not. The more you tell him how much you appreciate him taking the time to caress you and spend time with you, and the more you encourage those kinds of behaviors, the more that he will be inclined to believe you when you say that just because I didn't have an orgasm, I still enjoy this experience, and that pulls away his emphasis on orgasm.
Speaker 2:Well, and it may be that you not orgasming to him right now is equaling rejection.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:And so that's where a full conversation needs to be had, and you need to start first with saying am I approaching the pleasure that sex brings into my marriage in the right way?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And so it starts first with your heart, and then add some words to it and show him that you're enjoying it All right.
Speaker 1:Let's move on to this last question. Jane, why don't you read the question for us?
Speaker 2:All right, it says. Again, from the perspective of a wife, I have come to the realization that I seem to only be able to owe in primarily one position, for lots of reasons. How do I teach myself to explore other ways?
Speaker 1:I'm maybe I'm reading too much into the question, but the fact that she can't even write out the word orgasm might be a place to start with this question.
Speaker 2:It might. Maybe there was a character limit.
Speaker 1:Could be. Maybe she does not have a spell orgasm. That's no, maybe that's it.
Speaker 2:I don't know it's known as the oh Matt. She's hip and young. She's using the good you know, the slang.
Speaker 1:We'll go with that. We'll start with that, all right.
Speaker 2:So here's how I would start by answering this question.
Speaker 1:How do I teach myself to explore other ways?
Speaker 2:Okay, I think I'm going to first start with. There is nothing wrong with having an old faithful position. Why? Why we're going to apply this to a yellow with to a national park. Why do people go to old faithful in Yellowstone?
Speaker 1:You can count on it. You can count on it 45 minutes.
Speaker 2:Listen. We took the kids to Yellowstone several years back. We walked around a hundred different geysers and we read the little signs and some of them were like this geyser goes off whenever it feels like it. Nobody knows. But, old faithful, you set your watch.
Speaker 1:You know, every 42 minutes or something like that.
Speaker 2:Next time you visit old faithful you can think of us and orgasms.
Speaker 1:But I agree to Jen there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a reliable position. Most women would love to have something that they could rely on and count on every single time.
Speaker 2:The wife of the husband from the first question is maybe like I'd love to have an old faithful. So number one, maybe I'm just starting from the place of be grateful for what you have.
Speaker 1:That's a good place to start every time and recognize that.
Speaker 2:You know orgasms for women, for women involve a multitude of factors. I mean again, we're more complex, so it's about your comfort level, like where are you laying?
Speaker 2:physically and emotionally kitchen table is not actually the most comfortable, despite what our tagline is. It's about angles, it's about pressure, it's about speed, it's about your physical comfort and your emotional comfort. It's about what temperature is the room right? I mean, there are just a multitude of factors, so that makes it challenging for women to orgasm. Therefore, it's actually quite common for most women to have a preferred position and method that they can just count on, so that's okay. Now, that said, I can admire that this woman's wanting to add more tools to her tool.
Speaker 1:I do admire this advice that we often give right. It is great to have a variety of ways to pleasure one another and to receive pleasure and she has a lucky husband and if she's interested in pursuing that right, so so you know, you start with a place of gratitude, but you also start with understanding your anatomy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, not that this is maybe where this woman is, but a lot of women just don't know too much about their female parts.
Speaker 1:They don't know what's down there. They don't know where they're supposed to be.
Speaker 2:They know that sometimes, under certain conditions, amazing things happen, but they don't really know what all is involved to get there.
Speaker 1:So you have to know what your options are.
Speaker 2:Right. So I think it's important to understand that for primarily, for most orgasms, they are coming from the stimulation of the clitoris. If you don't know where your clitoris is, find your clitoris, find a good diagram. Ultimate intimacy that app has a great, whole section about your sexual anatomy, and so does the orgasm course. And so does the orgasm course by Sheila. So first start with knowing your anatomy and recognize.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry. Recognize the clitoris is not just a pinpoint area, but there are lots of different places where you can be able to stimulate it.
Speaker 2:Right, and so you're looking for activities and positions that stimulate your clitoris region, both directly and indirectly, and so you want to focus on activities and positions that will stimulate you there, that's right.
Speaker 1:Emily Nagaski, who's an author, said that knowing where the clitoris is is important, but knowing where your clitoris is is power.
Speaker 2:I like that because that's exactly right.
Speaker 1:Because this is more than just knowing how to stimulate a diagram. Yes, that doesn't do you any good that doesn't do you any good.
Speaker 2:You have to know what your clitoris likes and doesn't like, and that starts with where is it?
Speaker 1:on my body.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So you and your husband have some homework to do.
Speaker 2:You do.
Speaker 1:Make sure you know where it is, make sure you know all the different parts and places and methods.
Speaker 2:So while the clitoris is a important sex organ, it's not our biggest sex organ, because for women, our biggest sex organ is our brain. So that's where an orgasm first begins, long long before any physical arousal or climax begins to build or takes place. It all first starts in our brain.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we alluded to this earlier in a previous question. But it's important to recognize the difference in problems with your technique versus problems that are due to blocks from shame.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think a lot of us women that have grown up in conservative Christian communities probably have grown up with a very narrow view of the approved, if you will, positions and activities for sex. You know, like we just have, whether it's been stated or unstated, we have assumed that God is okay with the missionary style. I mean, it's named missionary when else do we use that word when we're talking about Paul and his missionary journeys, right? So we think that's the only approved method.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we grow up with a very narrow view, right, but the truth is there is great freedom within our marriage bed.
Speaker 2:The guidelines that God has placed for the marriage bed is that the act needs to be between you and your beloved, only no third parties in your bed or in your head, we like to say. And the other, I think, important guideline is that whatever it is you're doing should not harm either of you. There should not be physical or emotional pain for either of you and if you're following those guidelines, you're free to explore right.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of freedom in the marriage bed, so it may start with. If you have trouble having an orgasm in any other context, maybe you need to ask yourself am I resistant to finding pleasure in certain positions or acts because I think these are dirty?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I think they're unapproved or that good girls don't do this. It may start there, and that's the work of your brain, long before your body gets involved.
Speaker 1:Right Now, since, though, this wife does at least have the ability and a reliable way to build to orgasm Right, so it certainly would help and make sense to, in whatever sexual circumstance it is, to start with something that is reliable.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes. So it may be that you know, just to give some some technique here, if you will, if you have a reliable place that you know. My body responds well when we are doing this, when we are in this position. Start there and once you feel that arousal build, then maybe that's an okay time to transition, add in a little something new.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:But don't be afraid to go back to reliable if it's not working Right and recognize that. Excuse our neighbor while they rev their engine. That's appropriate Right there.
Speaker 1:There you go. We're revving engines here.
Speaker 2:Our neighbor is revving his car engine, we're hopefully revving your engines. I don't know where to go with that. No, I would say, you know it is important to be able to add in new things because that does expand our toolbox. But recognize that not every position has to end in orgasm. That isn't the marker of whether or not this is a successful position. No, absolutely. Sometimes the fun is just in doing something new.
Speaker 2:Absolutely and sometimes, when you are doing something new, it takes a while to figure out the nuances of that and it may or may not eventually lead to orgasm. But practice makes perfect.
Speaker 1:Right, you know, yeah, I mean there's. There's so many little angles and movements and positions that might have to be tweaked in order to get something new to work well, and sometimes it's just feeling comfortable in this new position, with this new perspective. You're seeing different things, you're, you know you're at entirely different angles and positions and sometimes you can use those different positions to try new things and, like we talked about earlier, engage your own hands, engage a toy or something else to help accentuate these new positions if you're looking to try to expand your repertoire.
Speaker 2:Right, all right. I think that knocks out some good questions we've received about orgasm.
Speaker 1:Great questions Give us our wrap up Matt. Husbands often place far too much emphasis on their wives orgasm and miss the far more important goal of seeking connection during sex. If a wife seeks to improve her ability to orgasm, however, a better understanding of her barriers is required. Seek to understand any possible places of sexual shame and lean into the journey to explore your own body and your own sexuality.
Speaker 2:Now it's time to grab your spouse and your bible and head to your kitchen table to have a conversation about orgasms. Has the pursuit of her orgasm been a problem within your marriage? What can you both do to better keep the right perspective regarding orgasm and focus on bringing mutual pleasure to your marriage bed?
Speaker 1:We would love to hear your feedback and your questions. You can contact us by emailing podcast at intimatecovenantcom or to submit anonymous feedback and questions, go to intimatecovenantcom, slash podcast and click the button contact the podcast for an anonymous submission form. Thanks again to Derek and to Open Door financial advisors for sponsoring the podcast. Contact opendoor at opendoorfacom.
Speaker 2:Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and support. Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for coming alongside us in a very real way. We love you. If you would like to join Intimate Covenant by supporting the podcast and our greater mission to share God's plan for intimate marriage and holy sexuality, subscribe at patreoncom. Slash intimate covenant.
Speaker 1:Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.