Intimate Covenant Podcast

My Wife Has No Sex Drive [140]

• Intimate Covenant -- Matt & Jenn Schmidt • Episode 140

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In this episode, Matt & Jenn respond to a husband's desperate email about his wife's loss of sexual interest. Is the re anything he can do about it?

  1. A wife’s sex drive is negatively impacted by many obstacles and challenges. As a husband, don’t be another reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex!
  2. Prioritize the whole relationship and the sex will almost certainly improve. Sex is best when you both feel valued, appreciated and pursued.
  3. Nourish and cherish your wife. Anything you can do to reduce your wife’s stress load can allow more space for her to stoke her sexual spark of desire

Transcript: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1253489/episodes/13014446
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  Cherishing,
  Matt & Jenn

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Intimate Covenant | Matt & Jenn Schmidt

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Matt:

Hey, Jenn wanna talk about losing your sex drive?

Jenn:

Uh, I have no desire to talk about this.

Matt:

Great! Today we're gonna discuss what a husband can do when his wife has no sex drive. Let's do it. Welcome to the Intimate Covenant podcast, where we believe the Bible and Great Married Sex both belong on your kitchen table. That's right. We're talking about holy covenant bound intimate relationships with hot sex.

Jenn:

We're Matt and Jenn, founders of Intimate Covenant. We offer biblical teaching and resources to help married couples achieve a fuller relationship and an extraordinary sex life. For more information, visit our website, Intimate Covenant dot com.

Matt:

Welcome, friends.

Jenn:

Welcome. Thanks for joining us again on the Intimate Covenant podcast.

Matt:

Indeed, happy Saturday afternoon.

Jenn:

Well, it's Saturday for us. It is for us, maybe not Saturday for them.

Matt:

Yes, indeed, but Father's Day is coming up.

Jenn:

Father's Day is coming up and before Father's Day we have an amazing trip planned.

Matt:

Yes, we do.

Jenn:

Yeah, this time next week In fact, when this goes live, we'll be in New York City.

Matt:

Indeed, Indeed. New York City, a little Philadelphia, there. We've got a work trip, work conference having to attend there. But we are going to make the most of it (That's right) And spend some time seeing the sites in the big city.

Jenn:

Yes, speaking of seeing the sites, in July, we have some excitement as well because we're heading out to the Seattle area. So we are going to be in Seattle July 14th through the 15th. It's a marriage weekend, (weekend!) multiple day event in the PNW area.

Matt:

Yes, looking forward to that. Just outside of Seattle, in Snohomish. Yeah, You can find out more about that event. Intimate covenant dot com slash PNW

Jenn:

That's right.

Matt:

That will get you all the details, registration. If you haven't signed up yet, there still are some spaces available, as far as we're aware. We would certainly love to see you there. sign up when you get the chance. And in preparation for that event and sort of in combination with that event, we also did prepare a video. It's a short video. You can find it at the website Intimate Covenant dot com slash PNW. The video is What to Expect at a live event. We had some questions and so. Folks want to know what to expect there. We felt like that would be a good opportunity for us to explain.

Jenn:

Right, it's going to go over, not just what to expect at marriage days, marriage weekends, but also the retreat. What are the differences between those? We're trying to branch out into the world of videos so

Matt:

Sure, sure, and so, that video you can find it there on our website, but you can also find it on our new YouTube channel. Well, that's right, it's not a new YouTube channel. It's been there for a while, we just haven't utilized it very much.

Jenn:

Yeah, but we're going to start utilizing YouTube channel and we're going to start actually video recording our podcast. So if you're watching this podcast on our YouTube channel, hello.

Matt:

Hello, welcome.

Jenn:

You get to actually see our faces.

Matt:

Nothing's too crazy, but if you do prefer the video format that should be available. We're going to make every to get those episodes on our YouTube channel so that you can enjoy that there.

Jenn:

Just expanding our horizons, aren't we Matt?

Matt:

While you're there, you might as well explore and see what other jewels are hidden on that YouTube channel.

Jenn:

That's exactly right. All right, so other things we have coming up. We've been telling you all about our St Louis Marriage Weekend, so that's actually Saturday, August 26th, and the Friday before that, Friday, August 25th, we'll be doing a singles event. So if you're in the St Louis area, go ahead and mark your calendars, and registration information will be coming very soon for that.

Matt:

it is coming and spots are filling up. Literally just a few spots left at this point, if you are trying to put off registering, now is the chance to get that done so that we can expect to see you there. The retreat itself is September 21st through the 23rd. That happens in the Woodlands, Texas, which is just outside of Houston.

Jenn:

Right, And super excited about this year's retreat. I mean, we say that every year, but this year I'm really excited because on Thursday night, kicking off our event, will be a live storytelling by the Justin Gerhardt of Holy Ghost Stories podcast. You got to listen to Holy Ghost Stories podcast. If you've not listened to it, as soon as you're done with this podcast, head over there and listen to that one phenomenal, phenomenal podcast. And we are just so excited. Justin does a great job of telling the Old Testament stories in all their weird and wonderful details, and we think it's a great way to kick off our retreat this year, which is all about covenant stories, the marriages of the Bible, so it's going to blend together seamlessly and it's going to be amazing.

Matt:

It's going to be a great experience. It's going to be a great experience, so get registered so that we can expect to see you there.

Jenn:

That's right. All right, Matt, let's get into our episode today.

Matt:

So, as we mentioned as we kicked off, we're talking about losing your sex drive. And really this episode, like many of our episodes, was prompted by an anonymous listener email. This email, which we're going to read for you, comes from a husband who the only information we have is that he is age 48. He's been married for 23 years, which he's going to explain in the email. So let me read the email first and we'll kind of get into more of the the depth of the podcast. He says we have been married for 23 years.

Matt:

Over the years after our kids were born, my wife's sex drive has continued to drop. Now her sex drive is totally gone. I know we have a lot on our plate with work, kids that are 18 and up. Our oldest has developed some medical issues which are draining us emotionally. Just getting very frustrated with her total lack of sex drive, not really sure what to do. We try to go out together when we can. I've bought her some pretty lingerie which she doesn't wear. I've tried some aromatherapy, candles and air sprays that are supposed to help with getting her in the mood. It's just got to the point that she doesn't even like to snuggle even for a few minutes when we go to bed.

Jenn:

Yeah, yeah, definitely a heavy email. We really appreciate this husband reaching out to us. I think we have some immediate reactions when you listen to that email and you can definitely sympathize.

Matt:

Yeah, I think first of all, I sympathize with and appreciate and admire his vulnerability. He does recognize a difficult situation and he does want it to be better.

Jenn:

Right, there's a lot of pain there.

Matt:

There's frustration.

Jenn:

Yeah, yeah, I feel like there's a sense of despair within it. I'm just not sure what to do, he says. He's feeling definitely kind of at wit's end. He just has no real sense of what direction to go. I'm also feeling a sense of sadness and grief.

Matt:

I think that's what he's expressing in his words and, as would it be expected, this is something that it sounds like, something that maybe was a blessing in his marriage early on, that has been lost. And that closeness, that relationship, that even potentially even just the pleasure of the sexual relationship has been lost, and clearly that is worth grieving over.

Jenn:

Right. And I think within that then he feels rejected. There's clearly a sense that there's disappointment over these expectations he has, but I'm going to venture to guess they're kind of, to some level, some unspoken expectations along with stated expectations, but obviously there are things that are not being met that he expected to have in his marriage.

Matt:

Right, and nobody gets married hoping that their spouse is going to fall out of love with him. Or that their spouse is going to lose their sexual attraction, their spouse is going to lose their sexual interest. Nobody gets goes into marriage husbands or wives hoping that that will be the case.

Jenn:

Right? Well, i think, before we offer some advice to this listener and his wife, we'd like to tell you about someone who will not disappoint you with unmet expectations. How'd you like that segway?

Matt:

Well said. Derek Finley, with Open Door Financial Advisors will not disappoint you with unmet expectations. Now, while Open Door may not offer to fix your marriage or your sex life.

Jenn:

I don't think that's in his tagline, right?

Matt:

No, it's not necessarily his purpose. He can definitely help you with your financial life.

Jenn:

Yeah, and you know who knows what advice Derek may have out there for you. But I can tell you, having a secure financial future certainly can't hurt your sex life, because, right, especially why we're looking for security all over the place. So, husbands call Derek. He'll help you with your finances. That might very well lead to helping with your sex life.

Matt:

Hey, you never know.

Jenn:

It's why Intimate Covenant and Open Door Financial Advisors are a good match.

Matt:

It's a great partnership. And he has been a great asset to us, not just with Intimate Covenant but just personally, and we can personally strongly recommend Open Door Financial Advisors to you. Your expectations will be exceeded by his personal attention, by his expert advice, and he will be able to help you and your family solve financial problems. And if you don't have financial problems, well, good for you, but if you don't have, financial problems, he can help you also build a solid financial future.

Jenn:

That's right. He is out there, ready and willing to help all of you, no matter where you are in your financial world. So contact Open Door Financial Advisors at OpenDoorFA. com.

Matt:

Where faith meets finances. That's right.

Jenn:

My favorite tagline. All right, so getting back to our email and getting back to our podcast, for today, I think, sadly it's just really not an uncommon experience. There is often within marriages a place where one spouse experiences a sex drive loss and kind of leaves probably both of them hurting and trying to figure out what to do, and particularly wives tend to be ones that experience significant loss of sex drive.

Matt:

I would say that's the most common scenario. That's certainly not the only way that it happens. There are certainly periods of times or circumstances individual circumstances where it is the husband who loses interest or has a substantial decrease in sex drive or interest.

Jenn:

Right, but obviously the point of this email is that he's expressing his wife has lost interest. So we're going to operate off of that right now.

Matt:

So let's talk about some reasons.

Jenn:

I think some reasons are helpful.

Matt:

Yeah. Why do wives lose their sex drive? What are some of the reasons why that might be occurring? Because if we're going to help this husband understand how to fix this problem, or at least begin to fix this problem, it certainly helps for him to have an idea of what are some of the possible causes for this to occur.

Jenn:

Right, I think often a very big reason and a prominent reason often has to deal with her health. Sure, I mean, this can be about hormones. I mean, goodness knows, hormones definitely control a lot for a woman.

Jenn:

Women have a lot of hormones and they fluctuate a lot throughout a woman's lifetime, and so hormones can be a big problem. But hormones can cause this- I mean- weight gain can be a huge problem for women, and not just physically but emotionally too, that really can affect how you view your body. That's going to definitely put a damper on your sex drive if you're constantly viewing yourself in a negative light.

Matt:

Yeah, if there's body shame going on there, it certainly is going to make a wife less interested in sharing her body in a sexual way. So that certainly is a key component and probably a factor that impacts most relationships at some point or another.

Jenn:

Yeah, and I think also within this kind of idea of health, can be medications, I mean antidepressants, are known to reduce sex drives.

Matt:

And there's a lot of folks on antidepressants. That's not something necessarily to be ashamed of, but that's something to be aware of, that that may be impacting your sex life.

Jenn:

Right, right. But even things like birth control, various types of hormonal, you know birth control can definitely impact your sex drive. But obviously you know there's physical health but there's also mental health. That plays a huge part in your sex drive. And you know any issues around previous trauma or abuse, that will impact your sex drive, even if that abuse or that trauma wasn't, within the realm of sexuality within your life.

Matt:

Sure, but certainly sexual trauma.

Jenn:

Sexual trauma.

Matt:

Will invariably and inevitably have an impact on your sex life.

Jenn:

And I think things that you know, something that's not necessarily commonly understood is that, no matter when that trauma happened, it can impact your sex life and you can go through periods where you don't feel like it impacts and then it reemerges. Often that's you know, at different important transition points within your life, and so you know it can show up like right after the honeymoon. I mean you are on that emotional high of getting married and all the excitement, but then that wears off and that can end up putting you in a place of depression, anxiety, that can kick back in.

Matt:

Every time you have a child it is an enormous transition, it is an enormous event and that will bring forward many times issues of trauma and abuse that have occurred in your life. Again, not always, necessarily, not necessarily just sexual trauma, but any trauma, any abuse will often reemerge, the effects of that will reemerge, after having children, right.

Jenn:

And the weight of that unresolved trauma will constantly wear on a person over a lifetime and definitely, definitely affects your sex drive. So you know, that's kind of health and mental health. But I think another reason that often women struggle with their sex drive is just a poor understanding of sex in general. Sure, you know we've talked a lot on this podcast about spiritual shame. So many women that are raised in very conservative homes, often their sexuality is clouded with shame, either that's from things that were spoken to them or things that were unspoken. You know there's just a silence and this shame around sexuality right, the "good girls don't kind of mindset carries into marriage And you know women just seem to be really sensitive to that, that shame that comes from having a bad understanding of sexuality.

Matt:

Oh, absolutely, and it's not necessarily that that women are the only ones exposed to that kind of shame centered or shame motivating kind of teachings. But women seem to be the much, much more negatively impacted, and some of that just has to do with the fact that women just naturally have a more sensitive side of that. But also a lot of those shame filled teachings are targeted at women, and so that's important to acknowledge and recognize and understand where that's coming from. But a lot of those harmful teachings are that sex is only for men and so therefore women aren't always taught that sex is that important or that sex is intended for their pleasure as well.

Jenn:

Right, you know, unfortunately there's often this idea of a good wife does her wifely duty. She has to make sure her husband is sexually satisfied. Without the also understanding of- he better be making sure she's sexually satisfied too, right.

Matt:

That's not always included there. And a lot of times the sexual shame and the spiritual shame comes from sometimes having a lack of understanding what the biblical boundaries are, and/ or she just doesn't sure necessarily that her husband understands where the boundaries are, both in terms of what is morally acceptable but also in terms of what is her preferences, and so that lack of secure sexual boundaries can lead to a lot of stress and anxiety and even a version towards sex. So that's certainly a big reason in a lot of cases why women may be uninterested or less interested in sex is if their husbands have not defined for them and for their relationship what those boundaries are, or that the husband even understands what they are.

Jenn:

Right, and speaking of stress, stress is definitely going to impact sexual drive.

Matt:

I mean, just stress period. I mean, I guess we're talking about mental health, I mean that's really the big thing. Emotional stress in your life is probably the number one killer of sexual relationship.

Jenn:

Right, And I mean the husband even acknowledges that in his email because he says I know we have a lot on our plate, So he's already tapping into that will affect, and that's, you know, work or finances, or, family relations, your in-laws, I mean all of those are areas and we could go on and on and on right, But we all know stress plays a part for both of us, in our desire to relax and be sexual with one another.

Matt:

Absolutely.

Jenn:

A big source of stress is often your kids.

Matt:

Maybe one of the most

Jenn:

As much as you love them, it also is a place of stress and again he acknowledges that when he talks about, over the years, after our kids were born, my wife's sex drive has continued to drop. And frankly we hear this from a lot of both husbands and wives. There's a lot of wives who recognize this played a part in my sex drive. And you know it's ironic because our kids are created out of our sex drives and yet they're the number one killer of our sex drive.

Matt:

Yes, right.

Jenn:

You know it's a conundrum.

Matt:

It is. It's a catch-22. And not that we don't love kids. We love our kids. But it's also important to recognize that your kids can have a negative impact on your relationship, your sexual relationship for sure, but your relationship as a whole just because of what they require. I mean just the physical day-to-day things that your kids need are just exhausting.

Jenn:

Yeah, yeah. You know there's so many just little tiny needs that just keep adding up and frankly, that's the case if you have one kid or you have 20 kids, right, there's just so much going on. Now add to that, and you know, we don't know the specifics of this emailer, but you know, if you're also talking about a woman who's working both inside the home and outside the home, that's tremendous stress and just just a lot of places that she has expectations she needs to be meeting.

Matt:

That's a lot just physically, but that's also a lot emotionally and mentally to deal with. So, yeah, that is an exhausting circumstance if that is the case.

Jenn:

And I think the phrase that I used a lot when ours were little was just that I was touched out. You know, there were times that I just, wrongly, sometimes said to you I don't even want you to touch my big toe, like it's just little hands have been on me all day long, yeah, and so you know that you have to recognize the impact of that stimulation. And if you're not proactive to say, okay, how can I reset that, then that's gonna negatively impact your sex drive.

Matt:

Oh yeah, and I would say with respect to kids, there's also this, this the one of the impacts that children have is that wives, and women in particular, have a natural inclination to find a substantial amount of their emotional fulfillment from their engagement with their children. (Oh yeah) that is God designed, (right, i mean we're created to be nurturers).

Matt:

That is a natural inclination, but it is also imperative that both husbands and wives acknowledge and recognize that this is the case, so that they can do things to avoid a wife transferring all of her emotional fulfillment to her kids.

Jenn:

Yeah, and especially if there's tension within the marriage, it's super easy to get that emotional fulfillment from kids because it just requires something different. There's a different level of vulnerability required to be a mom compared to being a wife.

Matt:

Absolutely.

Jenn:

I think maybe another aspect when it comes to kids is anytime there is a special needs situation within a home, whether that's a child with medical needs or mental or emotional special needs. We have shared, not a whole lot, but that is part of our journey and we have had, and still continue to have, just the impact in our marriage of a child that just needs something differently from us than the others. It's time consuming and it's emotionally draining and often that falls upon the wife. Again, because she's the mom, she's the nurturer, she's going to be probably a little bit more in touch with, like what are all those special places of care that need to be met, but day in and day out, that's exhausting

Matt:

Yes, that is exactly right. And he even relates to this in his email, said our oldest has developed some medical issues which are draining us emotionally.

Jenn:

Yeah, And I appreciate that he has recognized that's an impact. There's just a lot going on and it is so hard for a mom to be both a mom and a lover. This, I think, is just a place that many, many, many women struggle. And in fact we did an entire episode. It's been a while, but episode 53, we entitled it Finding Lover Girl and we really talked about how do you find that balance between this role of being a caretaker and being a lover. Esther Perel is kind of who coined this phrase, in that you're in mom mode but there's also Lover Girl and the two can coincide. We kind of think that Lover Girl like exists on the vacation island, in that exotic hotel room. Lover Girl can exist on a regular Tuesday night. But you have to learn how to separate mom mode from Lover Girl in order for that to not negatively impact.

Matt:

Well, not even necessarily separate, but learn how to blend them.

Matt:

Learn how to see both in the same circumstances, Learn how to be both in the same circumstances. Most, most wives struggle with this and that's why we made the episode. That's right. Again, go back and find that Finding Lover Girl episode. It's helpful if you haven't heard it before. Yeah, I think probably, and you know certainly these other things health and stress and mental stress and trauma, all these things play a role in eroding the sexual relationship for husbands and wives, particularly impacting wives. But I will say, at least in our experience in dealing with lots of other couples, that what kills sex drive is a loss of relational closeness. That loss of closeness that's happening emotionally and mentally and spiritually, which then bleeds over into the physical relationship, The sex life, the sexual relationship does not disappear on its own.

Jenn:

No, I mean, it is often a barometer of the health of your entire relationship, And so if you're noticing hey, we're not having sex or hey, she doesn't want to have sex, you've got to pay attention to the fact that that is a symptom of what's going on in your entire relationship.

Matt:

And as important as evaluating these other things like health problems or hormones or whatever it is. Those are important to evaluate as part of the process, clearly, and shouldn't be ignored or overlooked. But The place to look in every case is at the overall relationship. Have you become roommates? Or have you become co-parents, rather than this husband wife intimate vulnerable relationship together? Sometimes we just ignore that or we just expect that because we decided to get married, that if we live in the same house and we sleep in the same bed then everything will just take care of itself. But if we have not attended to the relationship, then we're missing out and our sex life is almost guaranteed to erode if we're not tending to the emotional closeness, the spiritual closeness.

Jenn:

Right. And I think another place, like when there's relationship erosion, it can also come from just a loss of attraction. We're attracted to one another often, and I mean especially in our culture, that's a huge part of why we choose to marry one another. We are attracted to one another. But that can be lost if it's not attended to and not just I'm attracted to you, but you becoming or maintaining being attractive to me. And I think this is a problem for a lot of men, especially maybe middle-aged men hate to call you out, but complacent spouses have a tendency to just stop paying attention, close attention, especially to their own physical attraction. And so that ends up looking like you know someone who's just really out of shape.

Jenn:

Now, certainly, our bodies are meant to change as we age and we get a little softer. We talk about, you know, maybe one day we'll be grandparents and you gotta develop like the softer body, right? Nobody wants a pokey grandma or pokey grandpa, right? So you're just meant to be a little bit softer in your age. But there's a difference between that and just completely out of shape. And you know, oftentimes it may manifest itself in just really poor hygiene, like you just have stopped caring about your body in general. And so you know, you just take it for granted that you are living with someone who is more sensitive and who can smell things that, frankly, you can't smell.

Jenn:

I mean men in general just have a lot of smells, and especially when they stop paying attention to their smells. It can be a little overwhelming and you know body, hair and just there's just a lot that goes into it.

Jenn:

And if you've stopped taking care of yourself, believe me, your spouse is noticing that. They may be gracious and wonderful and able to overlook a lot, but that plays a part in a woman's sex drive. If you've not, you know, taken care of your body, if you don't care about what you wear. I mean men, threadbare t-shirts and 20 year old gym shorts are not communicating to her that you want to offer her the very best sexual experience.

Matt:

Yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe we just need to pay more attention to what can I do, both with my you know personal hygiene, my clothing, my style, but also even from an emotional standpoint, what can I do to communicate that I want to offer my wife the very best experience? If she knew that I was offering something that would be spectacular, it might be harder for her to say no and maybe she would show more interest.

Jenn:

Right. so, in general, I think, if there's poor relationship, sex is going to be the first thing that dies, and so this is, you know, often, again, it's a symptom.

Matt:

Right, right, and I would add to that, in terms of relational erosion, if you have betrayed your wife or you are currently continuing to betray her in whatever way that looks like, but especially if that involves pornography, no wonder she's not interested in having sex with you, because you are betraying her on an ongoing basis. She's gonna feel rejected.

Jenn:

Absolutely. If you're still dealing with a pornography problem, she's gonna know that. She may not know the details, but she knows that something is there. And that's disgusting to a wife. She wants nothing to do with you sexually if that's where you are choosing to expend your sexual energies.

Matt:

But listen, look, there's a lot of ways to destroy a woman's sex drive.

Jenn:

Right, so no wonder it's so common. So maybe the big question is, okay, so what's a husband supposed to do? we won't leave you hanging on just here's all the ways it's gonna go wrong, but what advice can we give? What is a husband supposed to do?

Matt:

Yes, I mean. Now, certainly there's issues on both sides of the equation in a relationship like this. There are places where each is rejecting the other. There are places where each have work to do, but the husband is who send us the email. So it's the husband that we're gonna respond to, not because we think he's a terrible person, not because he's the only one that needs to change things, but we do think that this needs to be approached. That said, we have addressed this concern specifically in a previous set of episodes.

Jenn:

Right. Episodes 36, 37, and 38 actually all address this kind of question from a different, little bit different aspect.

Matt:

That was a hundred episodes ago.

Jenn:

That's right, so we understand.

Jenn:

Maybe not everybody has gone back that far, but if this is a topic that rings true for you, or resonates for you certainly go listen, because there's some information there that we're not gonna get to hear. Right 36 is from the husband's perspective and we entitled that Why doesn't my wife wanna have sex with me? And then 37 and 38 are really meant to be from the wife's perspective. So two episodes there, all about why am I saying no? So it's really challenging wives. Why is your default no to sex? And really why is your sex drive negatively impacted? And so we kind of go through different reasons, like maybe disconnection or manipulation or shame or insecurity and really kind of a lot of things that we just kind of covered, but we go in more depth

Matt:

Little more detail and a few more answers from the wife's perspective, what can she do?

Jenn:

To keep this episode from being too long, we're not gonna go about this from answering this, from what a wife can do.

Matt:

Well, mostly we do want to address the husband because he's the one who asked the question. So if he's listening, hopefully this husband can get some valuable help. The first place that I would wanna start with this husband, if I could have a conversation with him, is- what would she say is the reason that she doesn't wanna have sex?

Matt:

Because, you may or may not have had this conversation with her and I think this is a conversation you're gonna have to have if you want it to change. It's not a matter of just buying some special potions that perhaps might help. You're gonna have to have this conversation. And the truth is, you probably already know what the answer is, to some extent. He seems to even hit on it, like, we have a lot going on in our lives. Our kids are a big distraction. There's some other things going on.

Jenn:

He's trying to figure out the why. He's looking for it, and it may be that she's not willing to have this conversation. It's possible. But, if you already kind of have some idea of why she's rejecting you, then frankly, why haven't you worked to fix that?

Matt:

Yeah, I would challenge him and say if he already knows what the problem is, why hasn't he fixed it yet? And he says well, we have all this stress in our lives and we try to go out once in a while, but it doesn't sound like he's doing anything there to actively alleviate the very problem that he says exists. Yeah, taking her out is great, but not if it's sort of every once in a while, every once in a while, whenever we feel like we can possibly squeeze out the time.

Jenn:

So the big question is does she really have a valid complaint?

Matt:

And maybe she does. Maybe you hear some of the things that she's complaining about as unreasonable. Well, it's possible they are. But I'll just tell you, generally speaking, when your spouse has something to complain about, even if a lot of it is said poorly, even if a lot of it is presented to you in a poor way, there's often some truth there that needs to be addressed, and it's hard to hear, but there's often truth there that you need to hear if you want to make things better.

Matt:

Most of us want our circumstances to change without having to do anything to change it, but, that said, the only way to guarantee that things are going to change in your relationship is if you can change yourself.

Jenn:

Right. I mean, if you want the relationship to change, you must be willing to make some radical and maybe uncomfortable decisions. And that starts with looking first at you and your behavior. And this is the only thing you can control.

Matt:

Absolutely.

Jenn:

You cannot change her, you can change you.

Matt:

Yeah, this husband's question is just another variation of the vast number of questions that we get that is always a version of "how can I get my spouse to do XYZ, whatever it is, and again, like we've always talked about, that's not a bad question, but it's probably the wrong question.

Matt:

Yeah it's a valid question, but it's not a question that you can do anything about, because the answer is always you can't do anything to change your spouse. All you can do is invite them to what you are partaking in. So the real question is always, what can I do to change my side of the equation right? And I would say, one place that most husbands in this circumstance need to really scrutinize honestly is - How have you handled rejection in the past? When, when your wife turns you down, how do you handle that? I think how you've handled rejection and how are you currently pursuing her says everything about what your motivation is.

Jenn:

Yeah, and I think especially, like you know, obviously this email doesn't give us information about how he's handled rejection, but it does tell us a little bit about how he's pursuing her. He says I've bought some pretty lingerie which she doesn't wear, so he's immediately throwing her under the best right? I've tried some aroma therapy candles and air sprays that are supposed to help with getting her in the mood. Most of the wives listening to this are probably cringing just a little bit, because what we hear within that is pressure. He is pursuing her from a place of pressure and, frankly, these kinds of solutions say to me and- I'm an outside observer- but they say to me that he's interested in having sex with her, but he isn't communicating that he's interested in her right. There's a huge difference.

Matt:

Oh yeah he's bringing us the problem, but he has not offered us any insight as to what kind of conversations they've had about this, or even that he acknowledges where the problem is coming from. He is seeing it purely as a sexual problem rather than a relational problem, and I think, again, that's kind of what we talked about earlier.

Jenn:

We're not trying to attack this man, but we're trying to challenge him to step back and think about what's your motivation, because how you like you were saying earlier how you handle that rejection, how you pursue her, says everything about motivation. And you know, you've heard us say it a thousand times, sex is about connection. Right, it's a relationship and so you've got to make sure that you are pursuing her in a way that says "I want a Relationship with you, not just give me sex.

Matt:

Well, I think maybe one place to start for this husband for all of us perhaps is to always go back and reconsider, Why do you want to have sex with her? Because you do have choices. Yeah, you could have sex with her. You could have sex by yourself. You could find someone else to have sex with. Why do you want to have sex with her? Now, I obviously understand, there's the covenant and there's the morality aspect of it. But ultimately you have choices. And if she doesn't feel like you want to have sex with her, that you just want to have sex, then she's going to feel rejected.

Jenn:

She's not feeling pursued as a whole person, she's just feeling like you're pursuing her body.

Matt:

And I think she's telling you this when, as in the husband's words, she doesn't even like to snuggle even for a few minutes when we go to bed.

Jenn:

Yeah, I felt like that was a really telling line, because I think what he needs to recognize is there with, is within that, a defense mechanism that she is displaying of she is feeling rejected. It's not that her, her desire to not snuggle is not just I don't want to touch you, it is, I don't want to be close to you because I don't feel close to you.

Matt:

Maybe it's because she doesn't feel safe for some reason in the relationship. She doesn't feel valued, she doesn't feel cherished.

Jenn:

She doesn't seem to be feeling that there is intimacy and closeness on really any level.

Matt:

She doesn't want to be vulnerable in in that way.

Jenn:

So you know, no, that's not necessarily a hundred percent your fault, but again, you're the one who can maybe make a change. So what are you doing to communicate to her that you desire her? That you like her, that you value her, that you enjoy her, that you appreciate her? I mean, you've got to communicate to her, I want way more than your body for my own pleasure. I want a oneness with you in every aspect.

Matt:

Absolutely, and most husbands want this. We just often do a very poor job of communicating this. Most husbands are loving and want to be gentle and kind and want to provide whatever possible pleasures and blessings and luxuries that we can provide for our wives.

Jenn:

No, but you've got to step back and recognize what your behavior is communicating to her right, absolutely. And so I think the the place of advice for this husband is you have to stop pressuring. You know he says, not really sure what to do. We try and go out together when we can. I've bought her some pretty lingerie which she doesn't wear. I've tried some aromatherapy candles and air sprays that are supposed to help with getting her in the mood. And again, this equals pressure to her.

Matt:

And I think not only that, but you're looking in the wrong places, because there's no external magical fix that doesn't require daily intentional investment in her, not just investment in getting in her pants. There's not a potion, there's not a pill, there's not anything that's going to rebuild The closeness of your relationship. I mean it and frankly, it's not your job to get her in the mood.

Jenn:

Yeah, I don't think that we often recognize that. But you're right. I mean, it is her job to get herself in the mood. It's not your job to do that. It is your job as a husband to be the safe and inviting place for her to escape. Yeah, it is your job to create a place in which sex equals security for her.

Matt:

If she's got a lot of stress in her life, then you need to be the kind of person and place where she wants to come to escape that, not be one more thing that she has to do on her list. So that that is is a paradigm shift and that is not going to be rebuilt in one night. That's not gonna be one perfect new sex move that's gonna really change her mind. That's not a candle, that's not lingerie, that's not anything else. That is daily investment in her, communicating to her that you value her, that you want her, that you want to be a part of her. That is sharing the deepest parts of yourself with her, so that she can feel safe in sharing those deep places with you.

Jenn:

We should be having sex. And yes, you should in your marriage and we want you to have sex.

Matt:

We want you to have sex in your marriage.

Jenn:

But you've got to recognize that the route to having sex is not pressure. The sex will actually take care of itself. You've got to relax and recognize that it will take care of itself, if she finds that your company is inviting, it's not full of pressure. In fact it's protecting her, it's nourishing her, it's cherishing her, it's living Ephesians 5 and all of those beautiful verbs.

Matt:

Absolutely. It is prioritizing your relationship. Again he says we try to go out together when we can, but really the point is you need to show her that you don't just want to have sex, but you want to have relationship and closeness with her. Invest in that. Do what you can to invite her to a place of escape and refreshment with you.

Jenn:

So we again, we acknowledge that the solution doesn't entirely lie with the husband,, but since he's the one who asked, that's who we're responding to and, frankly, that's the one who can make a difference if he's listening. Because that change, like you started with, I mean meaningful change in a relationship, you know it requires both spouses to commit to a new way of engaging with one another, but it can be sparked when just one spouse fully sacrifices him or herself to live a Christ-like love for their beloved, no matter what they're getting back.

Matt:

You can be the redeemer if you invite yourself to self-sacrificial love. Al right, Matt, give us a wrap up.

Matt:

A wife's sex drive is negatively impacted by many obstacles and challenges. As a husband, don't be another reason your wife doesn't want to have sex. Instead, prioritize the whole relationship and the sex will almost certainly improve. Sex is best when you both feel valued, appreciated and pursued. Nourish and cherish your wife. Anything you can do to reduce your wife's stress load can allow more space for her to be able to stoke her sexual spark of desire.

Jenn:

Now it's time to grab your spouse and your Bible and head to your kitchen table to have the conversation about the wife's sexual desire in your marriage. What are you going to do to protect and maybe even resurrect your sexual relationship?

Matt:

We would love to hear your feedback. Just like this listener, you are welcome to always offer your questions or concerns. Contact us by emailing podcast at intimate covenant dot come, or to submit anonymous feedback and questions, go to intimate covenant dot com slash podcast and click the button contact the podcast for an anonymous submission form. Check out our new YouTube channel, www dot YouTube dot com slash at intimate covenant. And thanks again to Derek and open door financial advisors for sponsoring the podcast. You can find Derek Finley with open door at Opendoor fa Dot com. Link is in the show notes.

Jenn:

Thanks to all of you for listening, subscribing, rating and just sharing the podcast. We're truly humbled by all your encouragement and all your support. Thanks especially to our Patreon subscribers for really coming alongside us in a very real and meaningful way. We love you. And if you would like to join intimate covenant by supporting the podcast and just our greater mission to share God's plan for intimate marriages and holy sexuality, you can do that by subscribing at patreon dot com slash intimate covenant. Until next time, keep striving and don't settle.